Ike's Odd Oneshots and Ideas
by MogtheGnome
Summary: Pretty much, these are all the smaller things I've written that don't quite merit their own story yet, but I still want to post. Mainly Naruto stuff, but a Bleach thing or two will be thrown in. Some humor, some introspective... Just stuff I write.
1. Lee and the Gates

Since I didn't want to make a few separate files up for each of my oneshots/ideas that never really spawned further, I decided to lump them all in together, and post all my previously unposted stuff as a group. Mainly there is Naruto stuff, but the occasional Bleach story will pop up.

The Odd Oneshot

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Run.

It's never enough. Regardless of how much you improve, it'll never be enough.

Run, and keep on running.

No matter how much you do, you'll never match him. He'll always be better, and everyone will make sure you know that he's better.

If you stop running, you'll stop growing.

Train all day. Train every day. Train nonstop and you'll still never win.

Without growth, there is no chance of survival.

Challenge yourself. Force yourself to progress, to get better, so there at least is still a competition.

Survival alone will inevitably bring victory.

As long as you progress, as long as you're getting better, you'll want to keep on going.

For the person who wants to grow, wants to get better, will survive. He who sits on top, resting on his laurels, cares less.

Find something, someone to work for, and never stop. Never stop running… inertia will keep you going for only so long, and once you stop, that same inertia will keep you stopped.

But one day, one day it'll all be worth it. One day, people will understand your worth; understand what you put yourself through to improve.

Take up the challenge; make your reason a worthwhile one. Hard work will keep you on edge, keep you trained. Without challenges, you'll become soft.

And when you are recognized, you won't be like him; you won't act like it's your due. You'll only take it and use it to motivate yourself even further.

Run. Fight. Live. Make sure you enjoy every second of it… otherwise, what's the point?

And one day, you'll get into a fight that's over your head.

One day you'll be forced to protect your precious people.

And you'll know it's your time, too.

Don't be afraid, Lee. Life in all its forms is precious; but sometime you'll be put into a situation where you can't ensure both your own survival, and everyone else's.

Don't be afraid to use your training… to go beyond your limits.

The only way to set new limits is to break your old ones.

And once you have been in a life or death situation… you'll truly understand.

You've opened the Initial Gate, and understand the first step necessary to get anything accomplished.

You've opened the Rest Gate, and understand the feeling of forcing your body to work, even when it's tired.

You've opened the Life Gate, and understand the feeling of the stuff of creation rushing through your body.

You've opened the Harm Gate, and understand the feeling of consciously eliminating pain.

But now you've reached the Limit Gate, and you're stuck. You can open it, but go no further.

The mental aspects of the Gates are as important as the physical aspect, Lee.

Before you can go further, you must understand the feeling of breaking down those limits, and building new ones.

So go, run, and fight. And when you succeed in this task, you will understand, and your training will be worth it.

Though it shall be years before you attempt the Wonder Gate, and hopefully you'll never have to attempt the Death Gate… Being able to open the Joy Gate…

That is when you'll understand exactly why we do what we do.

Author's Notes: I'm not even sure what this is. I'm lying in bed with my laptop on a pillow on my chest, with some crappy Wanda Sykes stand up on TV, and I just started writing. I didn't know where I was going with it until it ended.

I like Lee. He's too awesome, yet so often ignored.


	2. Gakico: Chapter 1

Gakico

Chapter 1

-6 years before series start-

The scene? Naruto's apartment building.

Not Naruto's room itself, though.

The reason that Naruto lived in his particular building is because no one else lived there. In fact, no one else had lived there in a while.

That made watching over him easy, and gave him free run over a large area that no one would complain about.

Naturally, Naruto explored a lot.

But today... Today was different.

For today... Naruto had decided to explore the _basement_.

And in the basement... he found something that would change his life forever.

"Wow! It's so spooky down here... I wish there was a light switch! Maybe there's one along that walllllllllll!" 

As Naruto had run his hand along the wall, looking for a possible light switch, he had tripped over something on the floor. However, due to his height, he ended up landing directly on the object.

Something decently large, at that.

Naruto jumped to his feet, clutching the object to his chest...

...And, being a little kid, immediately ran screaming out of the room.

When he was back out in the daylight, he took a moment to exam his new treasure.

It appeared to be a decently large scroll, tied together by a bright green ribbon.

"A scroll? Awww... that's so boring! I was hoping for treasure! But I don't have anything else to do. Might as well read it... Maybe there's a super secret ninja fighting technique on it!"

Naruto took the scroll back up to his apartment, and plopped down on the floor. After opening up the scroll, he read the top of it.

"GECKO SUMMONING SCROLL"

"What the heck is a 'summoning scroll'? Geckos are cool, though."

He read further down, ignoring all the various mumbo jumbo... until he saw the words 'Sign Here'.

"Oohh, the scroll wants to know my name? That sounds fun! Ok, Mr. Scroll... I'll play your game!"

The Gecko scroll was a little different from most Summoning Contracts, in ways that Naruto would take years to fully appreciate.

For one, those of the Gecko clan tended not to be fighters. Their Boss summon is about four feet tall, and takes about the same amount of Chakra to summon as Gamakichi.

They tend to stay summoned for a very long time before dismissing themselves, and usually do their own thing under orders from their Boss or Summoner while in the human world.

For while the Toads made good fighters, and the Dogs made good trackers... the Gecko made good businessmen.

Every single member of the clan was a hard worker, and on an order of intelligence far above most summons. They tended to be experts in particular fields, with the boss being their overseer, and the creative mind that directed them to their final destination- Profit.

After all, the Gecko Clan is the only summons family that knows what the '????' stands for on the Gnome Clan's 'Moneymaking scheme chart'.

Another important aspect about the Geckos is how seriously they take contracts.

So seriously do they take them, that anyone who signs the Gecko contract immediately has some chakra drained by the scroll itself to summon a member- usually the boss. This keeps the scroll from ever being signed by people who don't plan on using it.

Naruto changed the fate of the world, that morning, when after he signed his name with pudgy little hands on the big scroll.

"Uzu...maki...Nar...uto! Woah, signing my name has never made me feel tired before..."

::::Poof:::

"Woah, it's a pretty big gecko! Hello, Mr. Gecko!"

"Hello... Uzumaki-san? You're... you're just a child! We've never had a child summoner before..."

"That sounds fun... you want to play some games with me, Mr. Gecko?"

"Games, eh? Well... if you signed the contract... Sure, there are lots of fun games that I know..."

And thus the whole path of the world as we knew it shuddered, and moved off course.

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-Playing with the Gecko-

When Naruto asked if he wanted to play games, The Gecko Boss thought for a moment. He was here to make money... but his summoner was merely a child. He couldn't run any businesses...

But he could learn.

Oh yes, he could learn.

So The Gecko decided that he'd begin Naruto's education with some classic board games...

-Monopoly-

"Ooh, you landed on my Boardwalk... and it has three houses, too. I think that means I win again, Naruto."

"Nooooo!!! Quick, let me mortgage my utilities!"

"Good, you remembered you could do that."

-Life-

"Well, since I went to college, I can choose which job I want... And I'll be a doctor, since they make a lot of money."

"What? That's not fair! I'm stuck being a travel agent... that's not fair!"

"It's all about using your head, Naruto... all about using your head."

-Battle Ship-

"E4"

"No! You sunk my Battleship!"

"Naruto... you've put all your ships in the same spots for the last three games... you can't do that. You have to switch things up... keep people guessing."

-Backgammon-

"You know what? I'm not explaining the game again. We're just going to move on."

-Poker-

"... That's the third time you've gotten a full house in the last 5 hands... and the other two times you had a straight and three of a kind."

"Are those good?"

"... Yes, Naruto, yes they are."

-And after all the games were done-

"Those were fun, Mr. Gecko! What do you want to do now?"

"Well... I don't know how much longer I can stay. You see, what we of the Gecko clan like to do for fun is make money, and we haven't done any of that yet."

"Make money? How can we do that?"

"I'm glad you asked that, Naruto. Actually, as the Gecko clan summoner, its one of your obligations to use us to make money... its part of the contract, actually.

"But what can we do here... What can we do to make money? It's been centuries since we've last had a summoner. How's about we look around first, and see if we can come up with some ideas?"

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-Walking with the Gecko-

Everyone in Konoha was treated to the odd scene of Naruto wandering around with a Gecko that was as tall as he was. 

"And that's old man Yamada's grocery, and that's the bakery, and that's..."

The Gecko, though, was barely listening.

He was looking for business opportunities.

And one was just about to fall right into his lap.

"Stop him! He just stole an important scroll!"

The civilians barely paid attention to ninja activity, so commonplace it was.

Therefore, they completely ignored the chase going on across the rooftops, where an Iwa-nin was making a break for it after being caught attempting to steal the Scroll of Forbidden Seals.

He was being chased by two members of the Uchiha Police Force, who were closing in. One of them decided it was time to end it, though.

"Goukaikyu no Jutsu!"

The Iwa-nin leapt over the fireball... which continued to travel, and landed a direct hit on the Grocery that Naruto had just pointed at.

The chase continued unabated, with the ninja not even stopping to take a look at the store they just blew up.

"Goddamnit! Stupid ninjas... grumble grumble... never paying attention to what they blow up! Now I gotta rebuild again..."

'Bingo.'

"Naruto, how about we go talk to that poor man... what did you say his name was?"

"Old Man Yamada? He always looks at me funny, though... like I'm about to eat all of his Ramen, or something."

"Oh, I think I have something he'd like to hear."

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"So, uhh, Gecko... what you're saying is that you can give me the money to rebuild my store? And any other time some crazy ninja blows it up, you can continue to give me money to rebuild?"

"Yes, yes I can. But unfortunately, there's a catch."

All the villagers had surrounded the two talking, mostly because even in a ninja village, a four foot tall talking lizard was a spectacle.

Especially one that said he could fix their ninja-related destruction problems.

"I knew it! There's always a catch! Well, what do I have to do?"

"All you have to do is enter into a contract with me. You pay my company a certain amount of money. In return, I make sure that if anything happens, you're taken care of. The more money you pay me, the more 'insurance' you get in case anything happens."

"And this works for Ninja Attacks?"

"What about Natural Disasters?"

"What happens if there's an accident?"

The crowd was getting into this, as for some reason, the Gecko was a very inspiring speaker. Everything he said made sense... and sounded pretty funny, actually. Maybe that was just because he was a talking lizard, though...

"Yes. I can cover you in case anything happens. All you need is to sign these forms that my business associate, Mr. Uzumaki, will prepare for you."

As one, the entire crowd of villagers looked at Naruto.

Now, they all knew who Naruto was. They all knew WHAT Naruto was.

They all knew the penalty of telling anyone what they knew about Naruto.

Most didn't trust him. After all, he might be a demon!

But then they realized they were being swayed by an abnormally large talking lizard. Maybe it was the demon at work, already?

As most people started to shy away, Mr. Yamada, the owner of the Grocery that just went up into flames, decided that he'd risk it.

"Damnit, this is the third time those Uchiha's have blown up my store! I don't care who I have to make a deal with! If you can tell me that you'll rebuild my store, I'll buy your 'insurance!'"

And with one person's acceptance, more began to follow.

"Well, all you have to do is stop by our offices tomorrow and pick up your forms. The offices can be found on the ground floor of Mr. Uzumaki's apartment building. I trust you can all find your way there?"

And with that, The Gecko led Naruto away.

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"Hokage-sama, there's an odd crowd forming over in the commercial district! There seems to be a crowd of villagers surrounding the ves- I mean Uzumaki Naruto, and what appears to be a four foot tall lizard, standing on its hind legs."

As the Hokage heard the report from one of his ANBU, he paled.

"A four foot tall lizard??? Damnit, hand me that telescope!"

The Hokage grabbed the scope away from his ANBU, and shunshined up to the roof of the tower.

"Ye Gods... The Gecko clan has been lost for almost 100 years! And to resurface now... with Naruto? Well, there are worse people they could be working for..."

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"Here's the latest target... how much was his bounty, 10,000? I'll take it in cash."

Kakuzu, collected his bounty, disappeared from the bounty-office over to his accountant.

Only to see the accountant apparently busy with other work.

"Hey! What's the hold up? I thought your firm wasn't working on anyone else's case but mine at the moment?"

His accountant looked up, startled. Another head popped up next to the desk, one Kakuzu hadn't noticed before.

One that caused his eyes to open wide in awe.

"I'm sorry, Kakuzu-san. However, our firm's oldest clients have just returned from a long hiatus, and they take precedence-"

Kakuzu, though, just ignored the man. 

"Gecko? One of the Gecko clan? I've been searching for your summoning scroll for the last 75 years! Who has it? Who has your scroll!"

"Mr. Kakuzu, was it? I'm sorry, but I can't dispense that information at this time. Especially if it seems as if you intend to do violence upon our summoner."

"Nooooo!!!! But, but, your clan is famed for its money-making skills! Can't you see how good a match you guys make for me?"

Another Gecko poofed into existence, this one slightly larger then the previous one (which wasn't saying much... the first one was two feet tall, and the second was two foot four inches). The Gecko clan operated in methods far different then most summon-clans, and of them was that they tended to need to summon each other to handle things that their summoner might not necessarily have time to handle.

So, part of the contract linked the summoner's chakra directly to the clan, and took a tiny bit on its own whenever a clan member needed to be summoned.

A side effect of that meant that only one person could sign the contract at any given time.

"What seems to be the hold up, Geckotaro?"

"This man seems to want a job or something, Geckomaru."

Geckomaru, the slightly taller Gecko, looked over at Kakuzu.

"You do realize that only one person can sign the contract at a time, right? But... we can always use more experienced hands in our operation. Why don't you come with me... what was your name again?"

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All over parts of Konoha, and varying areas of the Elemental Countries, the Gecko clan were making their moves.

They had a fortune that they had carefully stored away before the death of their last summoner, one that had only grown with time and careful investments.

However, a fortune doing nothing was no fun. A fortune that was growing, though... That's something the Gecko clan found very fun.

Already, business offices were being prepared on the ground floor of Naruto's apartment. A number of contractors had been hired to touch up the building, as well as negotiations to get the building purchased in Naruto's name. For as summons, they had far more restrictions placed on their actions then a human, one of the reasons they required a human to be involved in their business.

But soon... the Ninja Insurance Company would be open for business.

After they found a better name then that, though.

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-Training with The Gecko-

"Now, Naruto, we don't believe in letting our summoner sponge off of us. If you are going to work with the Gecko Clan, you are going to have do work. So what you're going to do is go from door to door, telling everyone about our insurance company. Here's a bunch of fliers, and a card with a generic sales pitch on it. I'll send Geckoto with you to make sure everything goes ok."

"Will this be fun, Mr. Gecko? Because people don't really ever talk to me... I dunno if they'll listen to me about the insurance. Besides... I'm not really sure of what it is!"

"Hmmm... I do keep on forgetting that you're only 6 years old, and that's young for humans. Well, here, I'll explain insurance to you.

"Have you ever, say, had a toy break unexpectedly? Or maybe a bigger kid came along and took your toy?"

"Yeah... poor Mr. RamenBear... I never saw him again... :sniff:"

"Well, don't start crying, because that's the kind of thing that insurance helps you out with. You see, when people give us money, they aren't just paying us to fix their problems- They're paying us so that if anything DOES go wrong, like say someone stealing their teddy bear, we'll fix it THEN. So, say, you had paid insurance on Mr. RamenBear... we would then replace him with a NEW Bear. People will give us money, so that in case something REALLY goes wrong for them, they'll be ok.

"That's what insurance is, basically. It's 'In case something happens' money... so if they ever get into trouble, they have something to bail them out.

"That's how we make a profit... Things won't necessarily go wrong for people. In fact, generally, things go fine, and they won't need to call in their Insurance. So they pay us, and we just wait. And then if something bad happens, everything is ok.

"Do you understand?"

"Uhh, sorta. Ok, Mr. Gecko! I'll go sell some insurance!"

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Naruto approached the first house on the row, prepared to sell everyone insurance.

Of course, he didn't quite know how he was supposed to do that...

"What do you want, gaki?"

"Hello, Mr. 'insert-name-here'. I'm here to tell you about Ninja ins..insur..insurance? Ninja Insurance-"

"Bah, go bother someone else, kid! I don't need none of your garbage!"

"Hey! Mr. Gecko said that everyone needs insurance! What would you do if someone came and stole away your favorite teddy bear?"

"I haven't owned a teddy bear in years... and what's this insurance thing have to do with theft, anyway?"

The man was intrigued at the mention of stealing... living as a non-ninja in a ninja village was always a dangerous proposition, and there was always the possibility of people coming and sneaking away with your stuff.

"Well, Mr. Gecko said that Insurance was 'In case bad stuff' money. If someone steals stuff that you pay insurance on, it's ok! Insurance will make sure you get it back! Or something like that..."

"Hmm... well, gimme that flyer, and get on out of here."

And so it went. Some people feared theft, some people feared natural disasters, some people feared random ninja fireballs... but if Naruto talked enough, he managed to get his point across.

Naruto wasn't the brightest kid in the world, but he knew that people were paying attention to him now. People usually never paid attention to him before, and it was something that he always craved.

But handing out these flyers... people listened to him!

'If that's what it takes to get people to acknowledge me... I'll be the best darn insurance man ever!'

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"How is Naruto's training going?"

"He is showing incredible potential in all sales aspects. He has that... _something_... that all good salesmen have. He's determined, that's for sure.

"However... his actual knowledge is going slowly. Getting him to hold still for lessons was slow going at first, until Geckostu figured out a way to get him to pay attention."

"Oh? And how did he do that?"

"Well, he noticed that Naruto constantly asked about learning 'Jutsus'. Now, as our only ninja-esque skills are in stealth and sabotage, for the most part we don't have jutsus to teach him. Especially not myself or Geckostu.

"But then Geckostu decided to just term everything he taught to Naruto as a Jutsu, under the classification 'Genjutsu'. Every time he starts to teach Naruto a new aspect of business, sales, marketing, or whathaveyou, he calls it the 'new subject' no jutsu."

"... Is it working?"

"Yes. Surprisingly well. Though it made Naruto's sales pitches a little bit... funnier."

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"Begin the scenario!"

"Ok, Mr. Customer... I see you put up an insurance claim here. Background Check no Jutsu!"

A sheaf of paper from the stack in front of Naruto poofs into his hands, and Naruto begins to look through them.

"Well, it says here that you only bought your Ninja Insurance for your Okonomiyaki Cart only a week before."

"Yes... I had just met a rather shady individual, and wanted to ensure that if he tried anything, my daught- I mean my son would be ok."

Naruto continued to shuffle through the documents, until stopping on one.

"But your description here of the man who stole your cart... he matches no ninja on record. In fact, he matches the description of a 'Martial Artist', which if you check your insurance, you are not covered for. Insurance Fraud no Jutsu!"

As Naruto called out his second jutsu, two mid-sized Geckos- dressed in the black pajamas of the 'traditional' ninja- appeared, grabbed the 'customer Gecko', and poofed out of the room with him.

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"Yes, I can see how that deviates from our traditional methods. But it IS a ninja-world these days, and perhaps its time for us to change with the times...

"Now, how did negotiations with this 'Kakuzu' go?"

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And so it went for Naruto.

He was quickly gaining the main thing he wanted as a child... acknowledgement. Both from the Geckos, and the growing number of customers he personally interacts with. Most people don't take him seriously, as he's just a cute little kid. It's so incredibly adorable when he starts using one of his 'jutsus', that most people can't think of him as being a demon.

Of course, these people didn't quite understand how insurance companies worked yet, so their mistake was forgivable.

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So Naruto's training went.

He trained in the art of the businessman, focusing on every aspect of the insurance agency.

He invented Jutsus left and right, that while required no chakra, still caused such effect on his chosen targets that they were all labeled 'genjutsu'. His most feared technique was the '"Claim Denial no Jutsu".

It began with the people of Konoha, who all got sucked into the insurance. It seemed like such a good idea, what with all the random destruction that occurred.

It helped that the biggest clans bought into it first, causing everyone else to want it.

From Konoha, it spread outward to the rest of Fire Country. Naruto himself spent most of his time 'working' (as much as a young child could) from the main office, but numerous Gecko Clan members spent their time traveling, promoting the importance of Insurance.

The fact that he had several lucky breaks early on helped, of course.

1 year after the founding of the company, one Uchiha Shuisui 'mysteriously' died. Uchiha Fugaku immediately attempted to cash in his 'bloodline protection' and 'life' insurances. However, neither insurance covered suicide, something that it potentially looked like could happen.

Oddly enough, Fugaku vastly preferred the idea that Shuisui had been killed, as those two insurances would pay off handsomely.

After all, the Uchiha were the military police of Konoha... they tended to be the cause of much of the ninja related destruction of Konoha, and therefore had much higher premiums then most. So Uchiha Fugaku concocted a plan.

A stupid plan in most cases... but one that messed up the timeline quite dramatically. Whereas Uchiha Itachi slaying his best friend Shuisui in the past might have been a bad thing... Fugaku decided that that idea was actually quite a good one.

It was quite suspicious of Itachi to begin with, of course. His best friend died, and he was the only person known to see him at all that day.

'But what if we find evidence that Shuisui was a 'traitor'...then we can surely cash in both of his insurances!'

The obvious person to have 'executed' him was Itachi... So Fugaku approached his son with the plan. 

Needless to say, Itachi was stunned.

'Maybe now is a good time to show Father my Mangekyo?'

So Itachi spoke up, not saying that he had killed Shuisui... but that he had gained the Mangekyo.

His father didn't react to that so well.

"Damnit, Itachi! We pay a ton already to make sure that ensure that no one steals our bloodline! Now you say you have an even more advanced form of it? That's going to send our premiums through the roof!"

Itachi had already began to entertain plans of killing his family... his father saddled him with much of the paperwork of the clan as is. Itachi knew very well how much they paid in insurance, thank you very much.

And being told that his awesome new power up was just another burden to the clan? It was more then a man should have to take!

So Itachi began the Uchiha Massacre.

And the very next day, 'Itachi' insurance (as it was commonly known), was offered up to every major clan, to protect the clan in case any of their members happened to go crazy and start killing members off.

Not surprisingly, Hyuuga Hiashi was the first person who bought it.

Events like the Uchiha Massacre led people to believe that they needed insurance.

And it spread far and wide, to the point that, by the end of 6 years, people wondered how they made decisions without taking their premiums into concern.

People all over the world.

From the Yondaime Kazekage's "Sand Demon" Insurance, to Tsunade's "Debtor" insurance... if there was something you were worried about happening, you could by insurance to protect yourself against it.

The Gecko's were good at inventing that sort of thing.

Of course, there were people who tried to screw with the clan, who tried to make false claims, and the like.

If they were civilians, or first time offenders, one of the very few violent Geckos was sent out to meet them.

If they were ninjas, or repeat offenders... they tended to end up on the wrong side of Kakuzu's briefcase of cash.

Kakuzu was hired on to be the company enforcer, whenever they needed it. He also acted as bodyguard to The Gecko or Naruto whenever they needed one for a high profile setting. He was paid handsomely, and used his time with the clan to expand his own business contacts dramatically.

He was also called in to train Naruto every so often, which dramatically changed Naruto's fighting potential.

For while most would never attempt to fight Naruto, for fear of what it could cause to their insurance (because you just _know_ that Naruto's been insured in every way possible), a few would attempt it. And if someone happened to kill Naruto... the contract would be lost, and the entire company would fall apart, destroying everything the Geckos had worked for until someone else signed their scroll.

Naruto didn't possess Kakuzu's multiple hearts, or crazy threads. He DID possess massive chakra reserves, especially for a very young child. About the size of a chuunin, at that.

So Kakuzu taught him a little taijutsu... and a single, massive elemental jutsu. While Naruto didn't have an extra heart to power each and every elemental type, he DID have reserves that would let him fight as if he did.

So Kakuzu taught Naruto Futon: Atsugai, the elemental technique that Kakuzu used that matched Naruto's affinity.

And as Naruto aged, and gained more control, and larger reserves (especially with the constant draining that the Clan drew from him), that one technique was really all he needed.

For his arsenal of 'genjutsu' was one of the most feared in the entire Elemental Countries.

But even though his future was pretty much set for him, Naruto still decided to go to the Academy. Well, he didn't so much decide, as he was told to by the truant officer. And being a ninja was one of his childhood dreams (as he found the Gecko Scroll before he decided he wanted to be Hokage), he decided to run with it.

Be scared, world... Uzumaki Naruto, the Insurance Ninja, was about to be set loose.

Author's Notes: Gakico is a story idea I took from the TFF idea forum. Pretty much, it was one of the most hilarious things ever.

However… There ain't that many places to go with it. So I never posted it as its own story here, but I figure I might as well stick it in with my other ideas/oneshots.


	3. The REAL Sound Nin Movie: Part 1

The REAL Sound Nin- The Movie!

It was a big day in the life of Sarutobi Konohamaru. He had just heard some rather fantastic news; after a few years of being on a world tour, Uzumaki Naruto had finally returned to Konoha. Well, that wasn't all that 'new' news. Naruto had been back for about two months. But what WAS news was that he was putting on his first concert since coming back to Konoha. Konohamaru had been lucky to find the flier that he did.

And it was this afternoon.

So it was up to Konohamaru to gather up his friends, to attend the concert. There was no way he was missing this-Naruto was his idol, his role-model, his rival to overcome. Everyone had been rather surprised at the suddenness in change of Konohamaru's goals, from Hokage to Singer, and had thought he wouldn't last a week.

But he proved them wrong. He had Asuma hire the best vocal instructor around, and managed to practice almost nonstop; both his training as a ninja, and his training as a singer. So, it was a common occurrence for Konohamaru to sing as he walked.

And sing he did.

"There's a bunch of birds in the sky,  
And some deer just went running by,  
Ohhh, the trees green and bright on the earth rich  
and brown, Just another Sunday morning  
in my quiet ninja town."

Yup, he pretty much just sang what he saw. But this was a big day, and a day worth getting excited for.

But first, he needed to get home. He didn't have any money, and the show wasn't free.

"The sun is shining and the grass is green,  
If you get above the trees I mean,  
This is a day when it's hard to wear a frooowwwwn,  
All, the happy people stop to say hello-"

"-Get out of my way!"

Well, everyone was happy except for that crazy Uchiha kid. All he did these days was rant about 'demons'.

'He isn't worth interrupting the song over!'

"Even though people's tempers are low,  
It's a perfect Sunday morning in my quiet little ninja town!"

Konohamaru arrived at home, and walked into the house he shared with everyone else who had the last name "Sarutobi". Which meant that he lived with his uncle Asuma.

"Hey, kid. How's it going this morning?" Asuma had just woken up, and was in the process of making himself breakfast. He was hoping that Shikamaru would be able to stall Ino long enough that he'd actually get to eat in peace, before she arrived and demanded training. Because that meant that Chouji would arrive, and he'd have to lock up the pantries.

"Mornin'. Hey, Uncle, could I have twenty ryou to see a concert?" Konohamaru hoped for the exact opposite of Asuma; the sooner Team Ten arrived, the more likely that Asuma would just hand over the cash to get Konohamaru out of his hair, on top of everyone else.

"A concert? What the hell kind of concert happens at 11 am on a Sunday morning?"

"It's Naruto, Uncle… his first concert back here. I gotta go see it."

"All right kid, here's some money. Go have a good time, alright?"

As Konohamaru skipped away, Asuma began to plot.

'There's going to be a Naruto concert? Damn, I gotta go get a ticket, too! Thank God Konohamaru told me about it!' So happy was Asuma that he too began to sing.

"Oh what a picture perfect child, Just like-Oh man, what am I saying? He's a total brat! but he did tell me about the concert…  
Oh, What an angel with a heart so sweet and sure,  
And a mind so open and pure,   
Thank god we live in this quiet backwards ninja town!"

'Oh man, it's about time to clean out my room. I have to get rid of all these allergens, or I'm never going to breathe right!'

Udon was a finicky boy, but not by choice. Nature had limited his choices in life by making him allergic to pretty much everything. He had to pick and choose which symptoms he had to deal with daily, which was never a fun choice. Too many of his medicines couldn't be taken together, causing him to be allergic to something at any given time.

It was to this that Konohamaru arrived when he knocked on Udon's front door. Udon's mother answered, smiling as she saw Konohamaru at the door.

"Hi, is your son home?"

"Let me go get him…UDON! Get over here, one of your little friends is waiting!"

Udon grumbled to himself, 'Let them have to make choices like this and see how much they like to be rushed.' Regardless, he made his way to the front door, and greeted Konohamaru. Or tried to, as before he could say anything, Konohamaru was already talking.

"Udon… Naruto is having a concert today! We have to go!"

"No way! Let me go get my money!"

After picking up his money, Udon made his way back to the front door, only to be intercepted by his mother.

"Where do you think you're going? You have a doctor's appointment for your allergy shots! You know all those springtime flowers get to you!"

"But Mom….it's Naruto! I have to go," Udon whined. If he missed this, his friends would never let him live it down.

Udon's mom was a rather busy woman, being the head tailor for the ninja supplies store. She had to get to work soon, and had no time to argue this over with her son. She knew the second she left that her son would just leave anyway, so she might as well let him go with a warning.

"Fine, but if any of your allergies act up, it's your own fault!"

And with that, Naruto and Udon went running out, continuing to sing. Or rather Konohamaru sang. Udon had a pretty terrible voice, and no matter what he did, it always sounded like he was mumbling. So Udon left the singing up to the others.

"You can see the humidity in the air,  
You see foreign ninjas, but you just don't care,  
It's a sea of smiles in which we'd be glad to drown,  
It's Sunday morning in our  
quiet little prejudiced backwards ninja tooooowwwwwwn!"

Konohamaru and Udon ran downtown, to grab their next friend. Moegi's parents were rather strict, but believed anything Moegi told them. It'd be a cinch to grab her.

Luckily, they found her outside, hanging out on her front lawn.

"Moegi, we're going to Naruto's first concert here!"

After Moegi ran in to tell her parents that they were 'going out training all day', the three kids ran off to get the last person of their group.

Her house was a lot bigger then the other three's, and the people who lived there were a lot more intimidating. Fortunately, their last member had her father wrapped around her little finger.

In fact, said girl was sitting in her living room, reading a newspaper article with the headline "Uchiha Sasuke was once again found raving in public about demons. Motions to have him finally given over to the hospital for psychological evaluations are expected to finally pass."

When one of the branch members told her that her 'Little friends are here to see her', Hanabi hopped up and ran to the door.

"What are you guys doing here?"

Konohamaru merely held up the original flier he had found.

"OH MY GOD, YES! YESSSSSSSSS"

As the four kids left the Hyuuga compound (with several more Hyuuga following at a more sedate pace, after hearing the news and specifics of the concert), they began singing all together.

"Off to the concert we shall go,  
Where we learn everything that we know,  
Because Naruto teaches us what our parents don't have time to say!!!

And this movie's gonna make our lives complete Because Naruto is sweeeeet

(Hanabi piped up here): Super sweet!

Thank God we live in a quiet little prejudiced hypocritical backwards KOOOONOOOOOHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Author's Notes: Yes. It's exactly what you think it is. Someone made the bad move to suggest that I write a spin off musical for this fic, and I HAVE been looking for a good way to end it.

Unfortunately, I've only seen one real musical in my life (The Producers)… as well as this movie, and a bunch of Disney movies.

But the South Park movie…. That offered the most to this fic. It won't be an exact fusion (as a lot of things just don't translate well), but it WILL follow the same basic plot, with Konohamaru and friends taking on the roles of Stan and friends, with Naruto and Jiraiya replacing Terrence and Phillip. More will be expounded in further updates.

This is the first snippet (and only one written so far) of the REAL Sound Nin finale… But, since I'm not gonna work on it for a while, I figured that I might as well post this.


	4. Gakico: Chapter 2

Gakico

Chapter 2

-6 years later-

"Hmmm... Geckotaro, come handle these files. I've got class to get to."

"Sure thing, Naruto."

As Naruto quickly gathered up some important documents, the Gecko in question came around and took his place behind the desk.

"Oh, and someone needs to go collect the Uchiha and the Hyuuga bills... send Gex this time. They've been getting rather uppity of late."

Naruto was twelve, and nearly graduated from the Konoha Ninja Academy.

He was also owner to the largest Ninja Insurance Company (and only Ninja Insurance Company) in the Elemental Countries. It's name? Naruto's Insurance Company, or NinCo, for short.

Where as Naruto would normally have grown up to be a loud, brash, attention-demanding brat, he had become loud, brash, and incredibly likeable.

For Naruto had cultivated that trait that made people listen to him.. That made people change around him. He worked on it, and made it grow.

Now? Now he was that guy you knew who could sell you fools gold, and make you think it was a good deal. And have you be happy over it later, and recommend it your friends.

Life was good for Naruto, as he had insinuated himself into the very framework of the Elemental Countries. 

Everyone recognized him, as he went from the cute little blonde kid carrying the tiny briefcase, to the young blonde adolescent carrying the very nice leather briefcase. Leather with steel reinforcements, as some happened to discover when they attempted to renege on their insurance.

He dressed simply in black pants and a black shirt, with the NinCo symbol- the orange Spiral- on his back, but he walked with more authority then Hyuuga Neji could ever muster.

Because he was Uzumaki Naruto, an S-Ranked Ninja in every countries Bingo Books before ever graduating the Academy.

No one messed with the Insurance Ninja... not without drastic repercussions.

For Naruto had decided, at the bright young age of seven, that the way the Gecko's described insurance wasn't quite 'fun' enough.

No, just having people put insurance down on stuff they own against theft/destruction wasn't good enough.

No, having people put insurance down on _their own actions_ against other people, and having them have to pay every time they committed such an act, was much more fun.

A good example was Jiraiya's Perversion Insurance. He had to pay money by the bucket load to avoid lawsuits, as his Perversion Insurance protected him from legal repercussions to his actions.

Another type of insurance that Naruto developed was alterations to the traditional 'protection' insurances. Whereas before, you just put in claims whenever something you insured was destroyed/stolen/killed, and after being found to be a 'high-risk' customer, you're rates rose.

Now, it wasn't just when you dealt with the insurance company that your rates were reevaluated... Now, whenever you did ANYTHING your rates were affected.

Whole missions had to be rethought, attacks restrategized, and companies reorganized just to minimize rate increases.

But what it came down to was that if there was anything you owned, or anything you did, you had to have insurance for it. Whether it was because you were a pervert or a gambler, or perhaps even experimented on babies, you could get insurance to cover you.

If you could pay the price.

And Naruto was the companies face. He knew _everybody_. From the Daimyo of Water, to the Raikage, he was in charge of all the high profile customers.

And since everyone had insurance, whether they be criminal or not, Naruto also knew people like Hoshigake Kisame, Momoichi Zabuza, and even Orochimaru.

And even more humorous, every single one of them was afraid of pissing him off. Because that meant Naruto would look for ways to raise their premiums.

But for Naruto, it wasn't about the bottom line. He left worrying about the specifics to The Boss Gecko. For Naruto, it was about living the _life_.

He had the life he had always dreamed of. He was rich, powerful, and was universally acknowledged.

Hokage? Pshaw. He knew all of the Hokage's secrets, as well as knowing all the work he'd have to do that wasn't fun. You couldn't make Naruto Hokage, even if you tried.

This Naruto was strong, and confident. He was actually trained in how to act like this, from one of the best. After all, nothing says style like bitch-slapping your opponent with a briefcase.

Kakuzu found it amusing that most bounty offices competed with each other to garner his business. It wasn't a secret that Kakuzu was involved with NinCo, and there were numerous little rebates involved for anyone who worked with him. So attracting his business was a high priority.

While he was disappointed that he wasn't able to sign the contract himself, he did manage to get in good with The Boss Gecko early on enough that he was involved enough with the company that he was happy.

Heck, he didn't even wear his Waterfall headband anymore (not that Waterfall Hunter Nins even attempted to hunt him down anymore... they were weary of what that would do to their premiums)... he wore a forehead protector with a simple picture of a Gecko, as he was essentially their Ninja.

He was responsible for grounding Naruto in the Ninja Arts... something he did by taking Naruto along with him when he went out to collect the easier bounties (which were still pretty tough, for normal people standards). Naruto learned how to act in a fight, and how to kick ass with style.

He only used one Ninjutsu ever... but it was more then powerful enough to fight off anyone who ignored his 'genjutsu'. And there always were the very few Gecko Warriors that he could summon, if he really needed it.

But Naruto was on his way to school, swaggering through Konoha on his way to the Academy. As he walked, some of his classmates started walking with him, with Yamanaka Ino, the alpha-female of the class, latching onto his arm. Naruto had been taught the importance of appearances, and decided that he was ok with this... it just raised his own status even higher.

And so he headed over to the Academy, ready to pass the graduation test.

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"Aburame, Shino."

The Genin exams had started, the children being called up one at a time to perform 'Bunshin no Jutsu'.

"Akamichi, Chouji."

This exam was solely done to see who actually passes out of the Academy... no other test is done, and ranking is based upon prior performances. Thus even a Dead-Last student can pass, while middle-rankers can fail.

"Haruno, Sakura."

The first person of Naruto's little clique rose, to take their test.

Naruto, in his own odd way, had far more authority over the class then any teacher.

Parent's, from the second their children attended the academy, told them to pay attention to him... some were afraid of their own rates going up because of their children's actions, some wanted their kids to see how successful even a child could be, and some wanted their kids to get in on Naruto's company.

Such was the case of Yamanaka Ino. Though on her own she would have made moves on Naruto (one of those alpha-dominance things), getting the encouragement from her parents was kind of odd.

'Especially when Dad starts breaking out those victory fans...'

Thus Naruto had many friends, and even lackeys, amongst the class. Haruno Sakura was one of them, being Ino's best friend.

Indeed, the entire balance of the class had shifted...

"Hyuuga, Hinata."

...which brought Naruto to his current situation, where he approached one of the class outcasts.

"Well, how ya doing, Sasuke?"

"Uhh, hello, Naruto. Anything I can do for ya?"

"Actually, there is. Ya see, I was looking through the files, and imagine my surprise that you're nearly a month behind on your bill."

Uchiha Sasuke had, early on, attempted to establish his dominance over the class. Being the second son that he was, he had never had to deal with the clan's insurance paper-work like Itachi had, and after the massacre an accountant had been hired to handle the whole situation.

Oddly enough, none of the Uchiha had anything about being slaughtered by a psycho teenager anywhere in their life insurance plans.

So Sasuke hadn't quite understood why Naruto was such a big deal, and early on tried to make himself Top Dog of the Academy.

An attempt that failed miserably. Because Naruto by that time was better trained then him.

Afterwards, Sasuke had been confronted by his enraged accountant, telling him of all the new fees being added onto his insurance.

Sasuke, in a hissy fit, fired the man and started taking over the finances himself.

And nearly wet his pants when he realized what exactly had happened.

Sasuke, attempted to get Naruto to change his rates back with force, not quite realizing the situation.

The next day several of the houses in the Uchiha District had to be sold to pay off some previously-unknown debts that had reappeared.

The cycle repeated itself; each time with Sasuke fearing Naruto more and more, as even more of his inherited estate was lost.

After getting down to just his own house left (the rest of the land was being converted into office buildings for the ever growing NinCo to use), he finally just broke down and gave up.

Itachi nearly killed the entirety of the Uchiha... but Naruto practically destroyed the Uchiha legacy.

These days, Sasuke fears Naruto more then he ever could fear Itachi, and has learned through constant repetition that there was just no way to win.

So, at the tender age of 10, Sasuke's spirit was broken. These days, his ambition was merely surviving to have his own family, and restore the Uchiha to its former glory. Seeing how easy it was to lose his families legacy, he really didn't care about Itachi, more concerned in rebuilding the clan.

"Nara, Shikamaru."

"I'll... I'll get right on that, Naruto."

"You do that, Sasuke."

Indeed, the whole class dynamic had changed because of Naruto, some for the better, and some for the worse. And quite a bit for the humorous.

Indeed, probably the funniest thing was one Hyuuga Hinata.

Hyuuga Hiashi was a good father... or so he thought. In his own twisted way, he did what was best for his children.

So, upon hearing that his daughter would be in the same Academy Class as NinCo owner Uzumaki Naruto, he immediately decided that this was the perfect opportunity for Hinata to get a good husband.

Unfortunately, Hinata was nowhere near as... outgoing... as Ino, so it was to Hiashi's disappointment that Hinata had to report she had failed in 'winning Naruto's affections.'

But Hiashi decided that the battle wasn't over yet. After all, Naruto clearly did not understand the power of the Hyuuga Bloodline.

So he ordered then nine year old Hinata to seduce Naruto.

Hinata only got as far as cornering Naruto and taking off her jacket before passing out from sheer embarrassment. 

After the third time this happened, Hinata was attacked by an enraged Ino, who saw her 'trying to steal HER man'.

Hiashi, displeased with all of Hinata's failures, decided that, while Hinata should still continue trying, it was probably going to be up to Hanabi (as usual, it seemed) to win Naruto over.

Of course, all of her actions gave Hinata a rather bad reputation amongst the students... they thought she was something of a flasher.

"Uzumaki, Naruto."

So Naruto walked down, performed the requisite three clones, and graduated.

After all the students had their chances, the class was let out, with the graduates told to come back for team assignments.

And as Naruto headed out for the door, he was halted by the call of one of his teachers.

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"Naruto, could you hold up a second? I have something to discuss with you."

"Mizuki-sensei? Well, I guess I have some time... go on ahead, everyone. I'll catch up later."

After Naruto waved on his friends, he walked back to see what his now-former teacher wanted.

"Well, Naruto... I have something I'd like to talk to you about graduating... how much do you know about how teams are created?"

"Not very much."

'Good.'

Mizuki had been planning for the theft of the Forbidden Scroll of Seals for a long time now. He had long since determined that it was best that he himself not to attempt it. Instead, a patsy would be in order.

Thus Mizuki sought after a job at the Academy, to try to sucker some poor kid into doing it for him.

But it couldn't be just any kid. And he had to have a good reason for telling them to do it.

So when Naruto began attending the Academy, and Mizuki learned that he was the Jinchuriki of the Kyuubi, he figured he'd have the perfect person to do it.

But Naruto was also the owner of NinCo insurance, and probably not that big of an idiot. So he wasn't likely to fail (Mizuki's first plan on getting a student to steal it), nor was he likely to be easily tricked into doing it.

So Mizuki came up with a new plan that he thought to be rather ingenious.

"Well, Naruto... teams are developed around class rankings. However, to get really accurate results, extra testing is often done. You've been selected, along with two of your classmates (who will go unnamed), to attempt one of the harder tests, to help determine what the exact rankings for teams should be. After all, there's more to being a ninja then just written test scores, right?"

Oddly enough, it did make sense. If Mizuki hadn't planned on stealing the scroll and betraying Konoha, he would have actually implemented this as a real test.

And Naruto fell for it, as it did sound legitimate.

"Well, what do I have to do?"

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'Giant Scroll in the Hokage Tower, eh? Well, I go in there often enough with no one stopping me. This should be a piece of cake.'

"Now remember, Naruto... you have to treat this like a ninja-mission. Anyone you encounter should be considered an enemy, and most people won't even know what you're doing. Hide, dodge, do whatever you have to short of injuring anyone. Just get the scroll, take it out into the woods, and learn something off of it. You'll be judged on every aspect of the mission. I'll meet up with you later in the woods to retrieve the scroll."

Naruto didn't really question it, not expecting anything out of the ordinary. So he decided to enter the Hokage Tower early enough in the day that it wouldn't look like he was breaking in, and hid out for a while.

When people began to leave for the day, Naruto made his move, and went in and stole the scroll while the Hokage was taking a bathroom break.

And then he made a run for the forest.

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'Most of these jutsus are far too complicated to learn in a single night... I'd probably get a lower grade if I attempted one that's obviously too hard.

'I'll just stick with this first one... Taiju Kage Bunshin? It doesn't sound so bad."

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While Naruto was off 'completing his test'; the alarm was being sounded amongst Konoha's elite. All they knew was that the scroll had been stolen.

That is, until Mizuki showed up, with a huge red imprint of the NinCo symbol, that spiral thing, on his cheek.

"Uzumaki Naruto has the scroll! I tried to stop him... but he just threatened my rates. When I said I was willing to risk it... he smacked me with that briefcase of his, and made his getaway!"

With a target in mind now, the Hokage was able to get a visual of Naruto with his crystal ball... and was confused when he saw Naruto just sitting out in the woods. It made no sense that Naruto would steal the scroll, and then just hang out in the nearby woods... unless someone was lying.

Mizuki HAD disappeared right after saying it was Naruto who had stolen it...

Then again, so had most of his jounin. Most weren't willing to risk anything where Naruto was involved.

The Hokage paled.

'I just know I'm gonna have to pay more for this.'

With that, the Hokage decided that it'd probably be just better if he sat this one out, until he actually saw Naruto try to flee with the scroll...

'I'm not risking my premiums by interfering with Naruto...'

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"Well... that's that. I learned the technique. I wonder where Mizuki-sensei is?"

"Ah, there you are, Naruto. Now hand over the scroll, and you'll have passed."

'Yes... all is going to plan. After all, who's going to search, when they know that NARUTO has the scroll? No one wants to piss him off!'

However, there was something that Mizuki had not counted on: The nature of the Gecko Clan.

They hadn't been alerted to the theft of the scroll, and just had thought that Naruto was hanging out with his friends or something. But when a full night had gone by, and they figured he was a little too young to be spending THAT long with Ino, they investigated.

Well, more like The Boss went and talked to the Hokage, and was told the situation.

Just as Naruto was about to hand over the scroll to Mizuki, a 3 foot tall Gecko, wearing a Tuxedo shirt and jacket, appeared out of nowhere and tail-slapped Mizuki in the face, knocking him face first into a tree.

"What the heck?"

"Ah, there you are, Naruto. It turns out that scroll your holding is a rather secret document. The Hokage would like it back, as you probably weren't supposed to take it in the first place."

"Are you saying that Mizuki lied to me, Boss?"

Mizuki had picked himself up now, and looked over to see Naruto talking to two of his Geckos. The first one he saw was the one that tail slapped him.

The second was one that most only ever saw in advertisements... The Boss Gecko.

'I'm so fucking screwed.'

Mizuki tried to make a run for it, hoping to at least get away.

"Well, Boss, at least I gained a good technique from this. Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Before Mizuki could make it ten feet, he was surrounded by Naruto clones. 

Who all started making seals.

Mizuki gulped... Naruto only knew one ninjutsu, before today.

"Fûton: Atsugai!"

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"Alright, now its time to announce the teams..."

Author's Notes: The second (and last, so far) chapter of Gakico.

If ya hadn't realized, the idea spawned from the hilarity of the Geico commercials.

But, I got lost with where to go with it… And then I came up with the idea that spawned 'The Great Landscaping Crisis', and I haven't come back to it.


	5. The Weird Oneshot

The Weird Oneshot

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It's not what we do.

Anyone can justify what they do.

It's how we do it.

If you're strong, you can do what you want.

If you have the will, you can get things done.

Sometimes… Sometimes you do what needs to be done.

Most don't have that will. Most don't have that drive.

Most can't handle what this life would require of them.

Some thrive in it. They rise to the top, and never look back.

But they are few and far between. And tend to have their own problems.

Me? I didn't have a choice.

It was thrust upon me… Life or death. The choice was obvious.

Inertia is a powerful force. Most people can barely overcome its incredible resistance.

But once you do, inertia will keep you going.

It doesn't let you stop, though.

It forces you to stay on your path, making it harder for you to quit then it would be to keep on fighting.

It's funny, in a way, how much about life you can learn in a science class-room.

Friction with anyone will cause you to slow down, will halt your progress.

The most enjoyable and the least enjoyable relationships can always be described as inelastic collisions… Because it's always the best, or the worst, when you get stuck with the person you crash into.

And the most important one, I've found, is free energy. Free energy explains so much of my life, and my growth.

Because free energy grows fastest in chaotic situations. As disorder increases, so does the energy. The power. The likelihood that the process, the equation, the reaction… the likelihood that I would succeed… They all increase as the entropy increases.

Whenever I need to get stronger, the universe gets crazier. Whenever the universe gets more messed up, I get more energy.

Because for reactions to proceed, for equations to be meaningful…

The free energy has to be negative. The energy can't be free. It must be contained.

And, I've found, that it always seems to get contained in me.

If I'm free energy, then Chad is water. Without him, I probably wouldn't be alive.

He's an anomaly… A giant amongst the Japanese. Hollow-like powers amongst the living.

Just as water gets less dense as it freezes, so too does Chad stand out. He's strong, yet won't fight. He's a giant, yet makes less noise then a mouse. He will defend others, yet not himself. Just like water breaks all the rules regarding liquids, Chad is different from all other people.

Uryu would be titration. He's precise. He's tricky to handle… Too little, and he won't respond. Too much… He redefines overkill.

If you know him, and understand how he thinks, how he works, he's a powerful ally. Offend him, and you'll find yourself screwed over. His style can easily be translated into the special equipment required to utilize titration to its fullest and most accurate measure. After all, if he doesn't have his special outfit, he won't be nearly as effective.

Orihime is like Quantum mechanics. If you don't know her… she just doesn't make sense. She has odd rules, and is incredibly quirky in ways you never really would have imagined existing… That is, until you find out it DOES exist. Then, after a while, it starts to make sense.

Her ability to reject is analogous to how quantum mechanics rejected all previous theories of atoms. It revolutionized theory, letting people do and explain things that were previously not even thought of… Like rejecting, and thus countering, actions that had already been committed.

And, it helps that she has a rather nice P-Orbital herself…

The Shinigami could be read like a periodic table. Everything from Renji's Sodium (he's far too explosive and reacts immediately to the smallest of things) to Byakuya's Argon (A noble gas, indeed.). Kenpachi's Titanium and Aizen's Mercury… It's all there.

Rukia… Rukia would be a dipole bond. She draws people to her… And she makes them attached. But it always seems to an off balance relationship. You can't quite get too close, but you can't pull away.

And she always demands so much, while giving up little in return. It's not a problem, but it does seem like my relationship with her, as well as Renji's, seem stilted. But which of us has the stronger pull… I'm not sure.

Really… Science has an odd way of explaining far too many things in my life…

Author's Notes: Yeah. I take too many science courses. But it's my own fault, seeing as I'm a Bio major and all.

Most of what I used are chemistry concepts (or, in Ishida's case, a lab technique). Some of them might be a little off, but they all touch on the truth. (Gibbs) Free Energy, (Delta G) is my favorite concept in all of chemistry, simply because it makes so much sense. For things to happen, there has to be disorder. Entropy rocks it, hardcore.

And the P-orbital joke is funny. If ya don't get it, look up pictures of what P-Orbitals look like.


	6. The Great Romantic: Chapter 1

The Great Romantic

Adapted from an Idea by Finbar

Chapter 1

The battle was over.

Gatoh was dead, throat cut and body tossed off the bridge.

The boat bearing the thugs had departed, taking the few survivors with it.

And surrounded by the bodies of enemies he slew lay Zabuza, dying.

But he wasn't quite dead yet.

As the snow began to fall, Zabuza beckoned Naruto over to him.

"Look, kid... I gotta be straight with ya. I don't like you, nor do I want to do this. But it has to be done. Tradition, ya might say. Not only that, but a sword should always be used. Reach into my pocket and grab out the scroll there."

Naruto, kneeling down next to the dying missing-nin, complied. The scroll was covered in markings that he had never quite seen before. He quickly passed it off to Zabuza.

"Ya see, kid, whenever a swordsman of the Mist loses his fight, he has to give his sword to the winner. Though you yourself didn't actually strike me down, out of all your team, you're the one who deserves it the most. Kakashi would never use it, and you're the only genin who showed that you knew what it meant to be a ninja."

As he spoke, Zabuza lit up with the last vestiges of his chakra, and activated the sealing matrix on the scroll. His sword, which had been resting against the scroll, looked like it got sucked into it by a vacuum.

"There... take it."

And with that, Zabuza expired.

Naruto stood up, holding the oddly small scroll.

'But... I don't know how to use a sword. What the hell am I going to do with this?'

As they traveled home from wave, all Naruto could do was pester Kakashi to train him. Kakashi always replied with "It takes way too much training to become good with swords. Do you want to make that your only focus?"

In his head, Naruto could picture it. Ninjutsu, or Kenjutsu? 

Unfortunately, Naruto was still in the mindset that Kakashi would eventually teach him SOME kickass ninjutsu. So he finally decided that he'd rather not focus on swords, and just put the scroll up in his house.

He wanted to do something with it, though... It's what Zabuza would want, he thought.

He just needed to find someone who actually used swords, first.

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'Hmm... Do I even know anyone who actually fights with swords? Or seriously uses a weapon? Besides those random ANBU... they all have ninja-to.'

"Naruto! Pay attention! This is news you'd probably love to hear!"

"Sorry, Kakashi-sensei... what were you saying?"

"For those of us who weren't listening the first time I said it, I decided to nominate you three for the Chuunin exams."

'Chuunin exams? Hmm...'

"Sensei... Will there be lots of other teams from Konoha there?"

"Seeing as this year they are being held in Konoha, I'd guess yes."

'Score! I'm bound to find somebody who specializes in weapons SOMEWHERE in the exams.'

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'Hmm... Well, none of the old Academy class seems to be holding any actual weapons...'

It was before the first exam, with the Rookie Nine being reunited for the first time since they graduated.

Naruto was spending a lot of time looking around, which some took to mean he was nervous. 

That was rather far from the truth.

Indeed, Naruto was looking for somebody- ANYBODY- from Konoha who might be a weapons-user.

And he didn't find nary a one.

"I'd keep your voices down... this isn't some kind of fieldtrip, ya know?"

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'Shit shit shit shit! Man, what I wouldn't do for that giant sword now that I've been swallowed by a snake! I could totally cut my way out of it if I had it!

'But I might as well go with what I'm good at...'

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

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'Well, if he was ever on the list before, Sasuke is definitely off it now. If he's stabbing himself in the leg with Kunai, who knows what he would do with Zabuza's sword?

'Guess I gotta go in there and save the day.'

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"Wait... Open both the scrolls at the same time."

"Toss them away! They're summoning scrolls!"

"Iruka-sensei?"

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'Well, we've gone through a bunch of matches so far. I already knew Sasuke doesn't use weapons. Shino's too caught up with his bugs. That stretchy dude was a spy. Sakura and Ino... Both of them don't seem to be the, uh, type, to use big ass swords.

'So, who's up next? That Tenten girl? She's the one on gejimayu's team, right?'

"Ye gods... She's perfect!"

Everyone watching turned to Naruto, who had accidentally exclaimed his last thought out loud, after watching Tenten fight solely using weaponry.

"Uhh... What are you all staring at?"

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'Well, Kakashi told me to meet up with that closet pervert... But I have something more important to do first. Then I'll find the pervert, and make him train me! Let's see... I'll go visit Lee in the Hospital and ask him where she normally trains at!'

Naruto made his way over to the hospital, and hunted down Lee's room.

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Uhh... Can I talk to Lee for a second?"

"... Naruto? What are you doing here?"

Naruto had walked into what would usually be a rather odd scene, but was probably normal for the two involved.

Gai stood up, from where he had been hugging Lee, who was lying down on the hospital bed.

"I just wanted to know where that Tenten girl on your team would be right now. I have a gift for her!"

'Yup... Zabuza said a sword should always be used! That's why I have to give it to someone who will use it!'

"... A gift? Well, Tenten should be out over at the training grounds around now... I'll give you directions."

'Naruto wants to give Tenten a gift, eh? Sounds like someone's Springtime of Youth is in full-bloom!'

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"Ok, Tenten, that'll be it for the day. I have to go and attend my duties at home now, anyway. I'll see you tom- What the hell are you doing here, loser?"

Just as Neji was finishing up his goodbyes to Tenten, who was gathering up all of her loose weapons, Naruto arrived onto the scene.

"Shut up, Neji. I'm not here to kick your ass. Yet."

"... Then what are you doing here?"

Tenten, who had gathered up all of her weapons using her wires, walked up to the two. She was curious about what the strange dead-last was doing here, as well.

As she spoke, Naruto quickly looked over at Tenten, and smiled. A huge, dazzling smile, that was almost, but not quite, on the order of Lee's. So it was pretty high up there.

"Here! I have this for you!"

Naruto quickly pulled out the scroll, and stuffed it into Tenten's hands.

"Use it well!"

With that, he ran away. With the way the sun was setting, though... it made him look like he was blushing.

Neji and Tenten looked at each other.

"Well... it looks sort of like one of my weapon-summoning scrolls... Only a heckuvalot fancier."

"You might as well open it up out here... He is infamous for pranks, so perhaps it would be better if whatever went off went off out here."

"Ok... OH HOLY CRAP!"

"... How did such an enormous sword fit into such a tiny scroll? Tenten... are you... crying?"

"Neji... This is one of the Seven Swords of Kirigakure. This is an honest to god sword of one of the Mist Swordsman. This... This is one of the best swords in the world! How did that guy get it?"

"... I have no clue."

"And why did he give it to me?"

"..."

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'Yup... That sword will go to good use. Now, to go find that closet-pervert...'

Naruto ran from the scene, leaving a stunned Neji and Tenten behind.

The setting sun caused the whole scene to be even more dramatic.

Word swiftly got around town (i.e. Gai started yelling about Naruto and Tenten's Springtime of Youth everywhere he went) that Naruto wanted to give Tenten some kind of gift.

When people actually SAW what the gift was... Well, most of them were confused.

"I mean, I can understand she's a ninja girl and all... But when did kids change so much that if you wanted to tell a girl you're interested in her, you give her a sword? Whatever happened to flowers? Or Jewelery?"

Of course, it just so happened to be the members of Team 8 who heard that last conversation, prompting Kiba to loudly wonder at what kind of idiot gives a girl a sword to show her that they like her.

Nobody answered him, though a bunch of the adults looked at him funny.

After the team went their separate ways, Hinata went home... Only to encounter a frustrated Neji.

Who was, unfortunately for Hinata, venting his frustration out loud.

"Stupid Uzumaki... I bet you this is exactly why he gave Tenten that sword! He knew that she'd get too involved with training herself in how to use it, so she wouldn't be able to train with me! Argh, now I'm going to have to figure it out all on my own..."

'Naruto gave Tenten a sword? And didn't that old man say that boys give girls they like... swords?'

It would be an hour before a branch family member found the unconscious form of Hinata on the floor.

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So the month of training went. Naruto met Jiraiya, and learned about frog summoning. He didn't really think about Tenten at all, not really knowing the girl. He just hoped she did the sword justice, or something like that.

Tenten spent the entire month training, in learning how to use the sword. She knew it must have some kind of secret property... All the 7 Mist swords do. She just couldn't figure it out. But she did get a good handle on how to use it, though.

Neji was freaking pissed as hell the whole month, due to his lack of a training partner. He was unable to learn Kaiten, for that same reason. And he blamed it all on Naruto. He made it very clear to everyone he came across that he would get back at Naruto, too.

Unfortunately, he never really specified what he was going to get back at Naruto for. All he would ever talk about is Naruto giving Tenten that sword, and that it enraged him.

Most people took that to mean that Neji was also interested in Tenten, and that Naruto had stolen her from him. Rumors travel quickly in Konoha, and by the end of the month, the story had evolved into something out of a crappy romance novel.

And, oddly enough... Most people seemed to side with Naruto here. Because he was the one who gave Tenten a priceless gift, to try to win her love. Most people (i.e. the women of Konoha) saw that as an incredibly romantic gesture (Or perhaps just the Kunoichi of Konoha, as the civilian girls could appreciate the gesture, but they wanted it clear that they preferred jewelry), and that it must be Naruto's human side showing through. And that kind of thing should always be encouraged.

Tenten kept on wondering about all the weird looks people were giving her, and how a lot of random people she didn't know kept on asking her about Naruto.

Naruto was a puzzle to Tenten. She barely knew the guy. They hadn't ever even spoken. Then he, out of nowhere, gives her a priceless gift in the form of a sword, and proceeds to disappear. She didn't know what to think. She'd always been a no-nonsense, serious Kunoichi, not one of those love struck fan girl types.

But now... She was pretty confused.

Oddly enough, she got the most advice from a drunken Hinata.

She didn't quite know WHY Hinata was drunk so often lately, only that she was. Hinata also quite often stalked Tenten around, looking pretty angry. Or as angry as Hinata can get. So it was actually kind of cute, and fairly funny.

When Tenten would confront the drunken Hinata, Hinata would usually start mumbling stuff about Naruto. Hinata would say stuff about how he never gives up, and always keeps on trying, and usually she'd say something about how Tenten should see how long Naruto can go without stopping.

Well, Tenten never thought it was GOOD advice... Hinata just kept on telling her random things.

This was also Tenten and Neji's only interaction during the month of training, when Hiashi would send Neji out to find his missing daughter. Hiashi had yet to realize who had been stealing his Sake... but when he found out, there'd be hell to pay.

Neji would just hunt down Hinata, pick her up, and walk away with her, usually without any warning. He'd then carry her back to the Hyuuga Compound, seeing as Hinata was usually too drunk to walk.

Unfortunately... the Village gossip vine took this the completely wrong way.

All they ever saw was an angry Neji carrying around a struggling Hinata.

The plot thickened... Now, Neji was somehow getting back at Tenten and Naruto by kidnapping his cousin, to have his way with her? Lots of people in the village were aware of the Hyuuga girls infatuation with Naruto (or they were after they heard Hinata drunkenly mumble about it as she wandered around town), so it seemed obvious to them that Neji was trying to get back at Naruto for stealing his (Neji's) woman.

Oh, what tangled webs we weave.

Author's Notes: This one I picked up and wrote, and may actually continue soon. It's a rather hilarious crack concept that will also be able to build up some decent romance, as well.

The original idea was by Finbar, who also wrote a few snippets for it over at TFF. It never got past the idea stage… But hey, my Naruto muse is starting to come back, so who knows?


	7. Oneshot: NarutoIno Spankings

Spankings: A One Shot

"And the first Match is... Uchiha Sasuke vs. Haruno Sakura!"

Sasuke grunted, displeased that he didn't get a more worthy opponent.

But then again, perhaps it was for the best, seeing as he wasn't allowed to use most of his skills.

Sakura whimpered.

'This isn't fair! I don't stand a chance!'

"Haha, forehead! Now you aren't going to make it to the finals for sure!"

Sakura's face twisted in anger, as Ino jeered her from the crowd.

But, standing in the arena... Ino was right.

Sakura dropped her head.

"I... I forfeit."

Sakura watched sadly, as Kakashi bustled Sasuke out of the arena.

"There there, Sakura... I think you could have made it. You're better then half the people here!"

Sakura smiled wanly at Naruto, happy that at least someone believed in her.

Even if it wasn't Sasuke. Or herself.

"Haha! Sucks to be you, Sakura!"

'Ino-pig... You're gonna get it!'

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"And the next match is... Uzumaki Naruto vs. Yamanaka Ino!"

While Ino looked relieved, Sakura's lip curled.

Because she knew that Naruto was vastly improved, much better then Ino suspected.

And Naruto would do anything Sakura said. This included embarrassing Ino...

"Naruto, come here! I want you to do something..."

The whole crowd looked on in curiosity, as Sakura began whispering something into Naruto's ear.

"What? No way! I can't do that!"

'What the hell is going on up there?'

Ino watched as Naruto protested _something_ that Sakura wanted him to do.

"Get your ass down here, Naruto! Too bad Sasuke isn't here for me to impress, by beating you up!"

Naruto's face hardened.

Seeing Naruto start to get upset, Sakura moved in for the kill.

"If you do what I asked perfectly... I'll go get ramen with you..."

"DEAL!"

'Hehehe... Oh, you'll get yours, Ino-pig... You'll get yours...'

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The fight, at first, was rather disappointing.

It seemed to be Naruto creating clones, and dodging around Ino.

Who sucked. Any who watched her fight could tell that, while she was rather passionate about fighting... she sucked.

It was also odd that Naruto's clones didn't seem to be getting in on the action.

They were just standing there... Surrounding the two.

And then, Ino made a mistake.

She over-extended on a kunai strike.

Naruto dodged to the side, grabbing her wrist...

... And pulled her down, even as he himself sat down.

Onto a convenient Kage-bunshin that henged itself into a chair.

Immediately, his other Kage Bunshin rushed forward, grabbing Ino's limbs.

Most people looked on in confusion, as Naruto sat with Ino held down over his knee.

All except for two.

The first was Sakura, who wore the most evil grin anyone had ever seen on her.

The second was the newly returned Kakashi, who was flipping at a rapid pace through one of his Icha Icha Paradise.

Because the scene looked rather familiar to him.

"What the hell are you doing, Naruto!??! Let me go!"

"No can do, Ino. Sakura-chan asked me to get back at you for insulting her, and this was the way she suggested. For a date with Sakura-chan... You'll just have to deal."

And the room went silent as he flipped her little purple skirt up, revealing her bandage-covered behind.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DO-MMPH!"

Before Ino could protest further, one of the clones had ripped part of his shirt off, and thrust it into Ino's mouth, effectively gagging her.

Asuma, who had been about to protest where this match was going, decided it was worth it to let it continue, just so that Ino would be quiet, if even for a little while.

"You should have thought before trying to embarrass Sakura-chan during her fight, Ino."

And, with that, he spanked her.

Loudly.

Forcefully.

Ino's body jerked, from how hard Naruto had hit her.

It had been years since she'd been spanked... The last time it had happened, she had been two, and had broken one of her mother's favorite vases.

And now, in front of her peers, she was being spanked.

SLAP!

And another.

SLAP!

And another.

Ino could feel tears welling up.

The Konoha genin were strangely silent.

SLAP!

The foreign genin... were not.

"Hah! Look at that bitch! What kind of ninja lets herself get spanked in a fight?"

SLAP!

Ino was crying, now. She could practically feel the heat burning off her ass, from how red it had to be.

Luckily, she wore a pair of panties under her bandages, just in case.

Unfortunately, Naruto had just realized that.

"Well... Sakura-chan said it should be as embarrassing as possible..."

After hearing Naruto mutter that under his breath, Ino swore that she would kill Sakura.

The tension in the room mounted further as Naruto gently pushed aside the bandages, revealing Ino's little white panties underneath.

Panties that barely covered her glowing-red ass, from how hard she'd been spanked.

"Ino... You can always just give up, and end this..."

'No! I can't give up! I'll break out of this, and kick your ass, Naruto!'

Ino didn't even realize she didn't, she couldn't say that aloud. Both because of the gag, and because of the tears she was doing her best to hold back.

Waiting a second for a response, Naruto raised his hand again.

SLAP!

SLAP!

SLAP!

Tears were silently falling down Ino's face.

The crowd was silent once more, with both Hayate and the Hokage ready to call the match at any second.

While this WAS an unusual fight, there was nothing in the rules against it.

They were ninja, and ninja fight in all manner of ways.

Even sexual.

SLAP!

"Now, Ino... Are you ready to give up?"

Seeing Ino shake her head, Naruto sighed...

"Well, I didn't want to have to do this..."

... And he pulled down Ino's panties, just a little.

Revealing all of her ass, with hand marks covering every inch of it.

SLAP!

SLAP!

NOW Asuma had had enough.

This was going too far... Her father would KILL him for letting this happen.

He might just have to step in and interfere...

"Ino... I think you're done. Are you ready to give up?"

And, to no ones surprise, Ino nodded.

Tears were streaming down her face. Her throat was hoarse from her constant muffled screams.

And she doubted that she'd be able to sit down for a week.

"Winner: Uzumaki Naruto."

Gently, ever-so-gently, Naruto removed the gag. Naruto pulled Ino's panties back up. He retied her bandages, and flipped her skirt down.

Ino was too tired, too drained to yell at him. After Naruto placed her on her feet, she started to stumble, and nearly fell before Naruto caught her again.

Everyone was surprised that Ino didn't object when Naruto picked her up, bridal-style, and walked out of the room.

Author's Notes: This idea was posted on TFF by Prince Charon. I decided to extrapolate on it. It ain't going any further, though.


	8. Continued Oneshot: NaruTema Spankings

Ok, so I lied.

The Spankings Continue!

"Here are the match-ups for the Third Exam..."

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"Ya know, Sakura-chan... That whole spanking thing with Ino was totally worth it, because you're actually having dinner with me! Even if Ino's dad DID try to kill me..."

As Naruto collected on his reward, the two ate their dinner, in surprising silence.

Naruto was afraid of ruining it by talking, and Sakura didn't really have anything to say.

As it winded down to a close, Naruto stood up.

"Yo, I need a Miso Ramen to go! I'm gonna go bring one to Fuzzy Brows in the hospital!"

After saying goodbye to Sakura (who had warned him, pre-date, that if Naruto did anything too excessive... she'd never go out with him again), Naruto left for the hospital.

The scene when he got there, though, was one he did not expect.

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"Tenten, once I get out of here, I'll make sure to help you train up so you don't lose like that again! We'll work on your Taijutsu! And if I can't help you get stronger, I'll do 500 pushups! And if I can't do all 500, I'll climb the Hokage monument! And if I can't do that- Naruto, what are you doing here?"

Naruto stood in the doorway, watching Lee shout from where he lay in bed. Tenten sat in a chair next to it, eyes red from crying. The girl immediately turned away from him, as if to hide the fact.

"Hey, you're the one who fought the girl I'm going to fight in the finals! Tenten, or something!"

"Yosh, Naruto! You can avenge Tenten's honor in battle! And is that ramen I smell?"

"Yup... Figured I'd come by to visit! And what's that about avenging Tenten's honor?"

Both Lee and Naruto turned to Tenten, who seemed to be trying to bury herself in her chair. Probably because the two boys in the room were shouting a conversation that could probably be heard all over the hospital about her... And about how she lost.

"Tenten is very upset about losing! Since you're fighting the girl who beat her anyway..."

"Well, I'll see what I can do..."

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Sakura knocked on Ino's front door.

After being ushered in by Ino's mother, she found herself outside of Ino's bedroom.

"Ino? Can I come in? It's me, Sakura..."

Sakura began to open the door. After cracking it open a bit, her eyes widened in surprise before the door was slammed shut.

"I don't wanna talk to you, Sakura! Get out!"

Sakura walked away slowly, with only one thought on her mind.

"Was that... a Naruto picture I saw up on her wall where her Sasuke poster used to be?"

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"First match of the Third Exam: Uzumaki Naruto vs. Temari"

Naruto and Temari faced off, in the center of the arena.

"Don't think you're going to even lay one hand on me, pervert!"

"Like you can beat me! I'm going to be Hokage... and that means I have to advance!"

The crowd stood on edge... Most didn't know what had happened in the match between Naruto and Ino, because Inoichi had managed to suppress most of the information regarding it... But still, it was the village pariah versus the daughter of the Kazekage. A big deal, that.

The match started, with Temari swiftly moving in for the kill.

She didn't want to risk anything happening to her like what happened to that loser Konoha Kunoichi.

Best not to take chances.

So she opened up with a Kamaitachi, and as Naruto leapt over that, she launched another.

However, in mid air, Naruto began using his main strategy: Spam Kage Bunshins until all your opponent can see is orange.

Not many genin can handle 20 clones at a time, much less the 150 that Naruto summoned.

Sure, it left him a little tired because his emotions weren't running strong... But it was worth it, seeing the girl start to panic.

Because panicking opponents made mistakes.

'An opening!'

Just as Temari swung her fan, launching another gust of wind, three Naruto clones popped up from the sides, and knocked the fan away.

One of the clones tossed it up in the air, while another one grabbed it out of midair and threw it out of the arena.

Temari gulped, seeing all the clones turn towards her, grinning sinisterly.

'Oh, shit!'

She tried to put a brave face on... But she was scared.

"Heh... Well, since you went and embarrassed a Konoha-nin back in the prelims... turn about is fair play!"

Tenten and Lee cheered from the crowd. Several people looked at them oddly... but the people who knew what had happened... the ones who knew what was coming... Well, there was mixed reactions.

"GO NARUTO! YOU KICK SO MUCH ASS, MAN!"

"DAMNIT, NARUTO! YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND DOING THAT TO EVERY GIRL YOU FIGHT!"

Kiba's and Sakura's reactions represented the opposite ends of the spectrum.

Ino, sitting next to Chouji, was oddly silent.

Everyone in the crowd was wondering why Temari started to look so panicked.

Just as she opened up her mouth to forfeit... Naruto made his move.

10 Naruto's jumped her, holding her down.

Another Naruto pulled a rag out of nowhere, and gagged her with it.

And the real Naruto approached, ever so slowly.

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Up in the Kage box, Sarutobi put his face in his hands.

"Oh God... Kazekage-sama, perhaps we should step in this match, and end it? To try and spare your daughter the... embarrassment that this event will bring her?"

The Sandaime was shocked, as the Kazekage looked on, as if nothing was happening.

"Temari is a Kunoichi... If she can't handle something like this, and win the fight, then there is no way Suna would be able to trust her with missions. If one boy can defeat her like this... then anyone could. I will not interfere... not yet."

Oddly enough, Sarutobi was spot on a moment later when he thought 'That... that can't be the Kazekage. The Kazekage is far too concerned with keeping face to let something like this happen!'

He just didn't realize how right he was.

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The Kazekage's lack of action prompted Baki not to act. If the Kage was going to let this happen... There was no way HE was getting involved.

Baki's lack of action prompted Kankurou not to act. He figured that his sensei would handle this, if it should be handled.

And Gaara... Gaara just didn't care.

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"No! You son of a bitch! I'll kill you!"

"Sure, sure, Suna-chan... But you brought this on yourself, doing whatcha did to Tenten."

"I WILL RIP YOUR FUCKING NUTS OF-mmph!"

"NARUTO, YOU ARE MY HERO!"

Naruto paused, to look up in the audience. 

He saw Kiba (who had lost to Dosu), and Chouji (Who had lost to Kin), sitting up in the audience, holding a banner.

A banner that said "NARUTO KICKS ASS!" on it.

The audience was wondering what exactly was happening, as Naruto sat down on a henged Kage-chair, and had his clones pull the gagged Sand ninja over to him.

People began murmuring in disbelief, as Temari was laid, kicking and screaming (though muffled), over his knee.

The murmurs turned into cries of outrage (from the women), and whistles (from the men) when Naruto yanked up her skirt, revealing only a tiny thong.

'I knew I should have worn more down there! I thought I'd end it quick, though!'

With Kiba's cheers redoubling, and every guy except for Sasuke staring, Naruto brought his hand down sharply.

"You should have thought twice before insulting a Konoha-nin..."

Naruto's statement echoed throughout the crowd, causing people to stop and wonder what the hell that girl did to warrant such public humiliation.

SLAP!

SLAP!

Her whimpers muffled by the gag, Temari could feel her ass burning in pain, the imprinted shape of Naruto's hand a stark contrast to her slightly tanned behind.

SLAP!

The cheers and jeers from the crowd increased, while the spanking continued.

After Naruto reached 15 slaps, Kankurou turned to where Baki waited, hoping to get a clue of what to do.

Baki turned to look up at the Kage box, wondering if he was supposed to interfere.

And neither saw any reaction from the Kazekage... so they themselves thought they shouldn't interefere.

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In the audience the genin sat.

Kiba turned away from the spectacle, and looked at Ino, two seats down.

"Hey Ino, why aren't ya saying anything? I thought you'd hate Naruto, seeing as what happened to ya."

Ino didn't even turn to look at him, so Kiba shrugged, and turned back to watch the show.

But Hinata looked back, and got a glimpse of Ino's face.

And noticed her blushing furiously.

'She can't be... No! I need to get Naruto-kun to notice me, before I lose him to some... some other girl! If only Naruto-kun would spank me...'

And, oddly enough, Hinata and Ino shared what was essentially the same fantasy, only with themselves in the... 'lead role'.

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SLAP!

SLAP!

"Hmm... Well, I'm not sure if you're done yet. I've got an idea... I'll accept your forfeit, and end this... If you count off the next ten. If you can, I'll let you go. If not... It'll go on."

Temari nodded slightly, and one of the Kage bunshin removed the gag, keeping it close in case Temari tried to forfeit before her 'punishment' was done.

Naruto raised up his hand.

And sharply brought it down.

"O-one!"

SLAP!

"T-T-TWO!"

SLAP!

"THREE!"

Kankurou had enough of his sister's plight.

He was going to do something about it.

Just as he stepped forward, to throw in the towel, he was stopped.

He turned, only to see Gaara, shaking his head.

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SLAP!

"N-NINE!"

SLAP!

"TEN!"

After ten was reached, Naruto stopped.

He gently massaged Temari's bright red ass, satisfied in the embarrassment that Temari must be feeling right now.

'After all, why else would she moan like that if she wasn't ashamed?'

Naruto's hand unconsciously went a little bit lower, as Temari panted, trying to get a forfeit out.

Naruto didn't even notice where his hand was going, until Temari squealed, and he felt an odd wetness.

Quickly pulling his hand away, he looked at it, then back down at Temari.

Before Naruto could comment on it, Temari managed to squeak out a forfeit.

Kankurou immediately jumped into the ring, grabbing Temari.

"Winner: Uzumaki Naruto!"

And all the way on his walk back to the competitor's box, all Naruto could do was stare at his strangely sticky hand.


	9. Continued Oneshot: NarutoKin Spankings

The Spankings Continue!

Chapter 3

Naruto: Kunoichi's Natural Enemy, or was he their Best Friend?

"For the second match of the first round of the Chuunin Exam Finals... Uchiha Sasuke vs. Kin Tsuchi."

The whole order of matches, and who was fighting who, had been changed from what it could have been. Different people won, setting the stage for a very different final round.

"Tch... When will I get an opponent worth my time?"

For one, Sasuke was not taught the chidori, nor was his training nearly as intense. After all, his first round opponent was NOT Gaara.

No, instead he was up against some random girl who got in by using genjutsu against Chouji. 

'She isn't even worth the time of training for!'

Sasuke and Kakashi were expecting an easy fight, what with the fact that the Sharingan can't really be fooled by illusions. They didn't even bother with the dramatic entrance, and instead were there to watch Naruto's 'fight' against Temari.

"Please, it's you who's not worth my time. Maybe if you were half the man your teammate seems to be... But I don't like playing with little boys."

Sasuke stopped at that.

He had heard of Naruto's match in the prelims, and he had seen the match with his own eyes against Temari. He hadn't blushed that much in a long time.

But now his face was red with anger.

How dare this girl imply he wasn't manly!? He was an Uchiha, the manliest of manly men in all of Konoha!

He conveniently chose not to remember the hour he had spent picking out his outfit for the finals, nor how long it had taken him to figure out if he should redo his hair. Nope, that didn't make him any less manly.

But now someone was going to say that NARUTO was manlier then he? Hell fucking no! If Naruto could spank some bitches into submission, then Sasuke could to!

He wouldn't even need his Sharingan for this...

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"I can't believe Sasuke was THAT stupid... This match was a sure lock! How did he lose?"

Even as Kakashi despaired, and many in the audience looked shocked, a number of them laughed at the hilarity of the whole thing.

The match was short. After their brief exchange of insults, Sasuke quickly moved in to grapple the girl to get her into position for her 'punishment' for insulting his manhood.

Not even activating his Sharingan, he failed to notice the girl had prepared the arena the night before, with several of her senbon-bells in various areas, waiting for her to activate her genjutsu.

However... she didn't even need to use any of them.

No, the second Sasuke reached to grab her and pull her down she reacted as most girls would: She screeched, and kicked him in the balls.

Sasuke hadn't thought that she would react like that (because it hadn't happened to Naruto), and hadn't even thought to protect his precious Uchiha junk.

Many men in the audience (most notably the Kazekage, who Sarutobi merely assumed had once had a similar thing happen to him) winced in sympathy.

The wincing turned to squirming when the Sound kunoichi grounded her heel into his crotch for good measure.

It took Kiba and Chouji holding her back to stop Sakura from flying into the arena to kill the girl.

So, Sasuke lost what should have been a 'sure thing'.

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The other rounds continued, none of them as exciting as the first two.

Shikamaru (who had defeated Akado Yoroi) lost to Neji (Who had deafeated Hinata), who's skill and strength was too much for Shikamaru to strategize his way around.

Shino (who had defeated Zaku) won by forfeit againt Kankurou (Who had defeated the really stretchy guy who's name no one ever remembers).

And Gaara (who had defeated Lee) literally crushed Dosu.

Orochimaru had not initiated the invasion yet, because frankly, he was not very impressed with Sasuke's performance. Not only that... but there was no opportune moment yet for him to do so. Gaara certainly didn't seem prepared to transform and set off the initial havoc, even if Kabuto performed the genjutsu.

So he decided to wait.

And thus started Round 2... Naruto vs. Kin.

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Naruto walked down into the arena, ready to beat up the girl who had presumed to defeat HIS rival. Well, he wasn't really that upset... He HAD done better then Sasuke already, which technically made him the stronger ninja. He was ready to go down there for a normal, Kage Bunshin filled fight. No spankings or anything.

He was ready... He was pumped... He was going to win!

Kin, though... She had different ideas.

Naruto was confused at the strange way Kin seemed to be staring at him, as they squared off, waiting for the ref to start the fight.

Perhaps if it had been aimed at someone else, he would have recognized it for the leer it was.

Up in the audience, Ino, Hinata, and Sakura certainly did.

"The first match of the second round of the Chuunin Exams finals will now... BEGIN!"

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Naruto opened up by charging Kin, who opted to dodge out of the way. 

Naruto decided to up the ante, and created a few Kage Bunshins.

Kin retaliated by activating some of her illusions.

Since the main one she used just created multiple copies of herself to confuse her opponents... it was sort of like she had countered with a more effective version of the basic Bunshin.

The audience cheered as the fight raged, Naruto attempting to catch the real Kin, and Kin attempting lure him into one of her more dangerous genjutsu.

Just as it seemed that Naruto had stumbled into one of the areas she had seeded with a more dangerous genjutsu-senbon, several Kage Bunshins popped up out of nowhere and dog piled her.

The real Naruto approached them, and before he could say anything, Kin spoke up.

"So... How did you know which was the real me?"

Naruto, slightly disturbed by the incredibly shark-like grin that Kin was sporting, paused a moment before replying.

"Hah! I may not be an Inuzuka, but I do have a good nose! And, for whatever reason, partway through the match I noticed that you smelled differently then your illusions... In fact, it was kinda the same way that that Temari girl smelled at the end of her match, come to think of it..."

"So, what are you going to do now? I'm not just going to give up... You're going to have to EARN your victory. Or are you not man enough?"

Naruto bristled at that. He was very much a man, thank you very much.

However... Even he realized this was unusual. It almost seemed like... She wanted him to do it? It was clear even to him that she seemed to be challenging him to treat her like he did his last two opponents.

And if his opponent wanted him to do something in a fight, well... It was generally a good idea to do the opposite.

So he smirked down at the Kunoichi, still held in place on the floor by numerous Kage Bunshins.

"Please... Why should I do it? I already have you beat... Why the heck should I bother to go that far?"

They were speaking relatively quietly, and with the roar of the crowd, not many could make out what they were saying.

Of course, with the way Naruto stared down at her smirking, held down similarly to the way Temari had been last round... Many people were forming their own ideas of what was going on.

"NARUTO, YOU ARE MY FUCKING HERO! SPANK THAT BITCH'S ASS!"

Pausing, Naruto turned up to where the shout originated, and groaned.

Kiba and Chouji had apparently written something on the opposite side of their 'Naruto Kicks Ass' sign.

Now, it read 'Naruto Spanks Ass!' With a crude drawing of Naruto, hand held high. with a faceless brunette bent over his lap.

He was actually kind of surprised that none of the girls they were sitting with had seemed to notice (or maybe it was care?) about the sign change.

Naruto, about to call over the ref and have him declared the winner, was interrupted by his fallen foe.

"Well... I would imagine that a Konoha ninja like you would take any chance he could to get information out of an enemy like me. Or at least, that's what a smart ninja would do."

Naruto turned his gaze back upon the girl, who was again looking rather... smug? She was goaded him into doing something, to be sure.

"... And what kind of information would this be, that you would want me to publicly humiliate you to get?"

"Well, you'll just have to find out, won't you? Now are you a man or what?"

He knew something was up. The way she was acting just didn't make any sense. It was clear that she WANTED him to spank her. She was even giving him an incentive to do so. As far as he knew, none of the other girls actually liked the idea of him spanking them... But this girl was willing to actively betray her village if he did it?

However... It wasn't like Naruto was a eunuch. He HAD enjoyed his last two fights. Even if he felt a little embarrassed for liking it... He couldn't deny that it felt good to touch girls _there_. And, well... This one was pretty much saying that if he didn't do so, he wouldn't be a real man?

"... Fine then... If you want it so badly..."

And the roar of the young men (and older perverts) in the audience grew as Naruto once again found himself seated on a kage-bunshin-henged-chair, with an attractive girl on his knee.

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Up in the Kage Booth, Orochimaru was nervous. He was able to read lips, and while he couldn't see Kin's face from his angle, he COULD see Naruto's. And even just 'hearing' his half of the conversation... Well, he realized his cover might be blown before Gaara was ready.

'Damnit! Why is it that every ninja I recruited for Oto had to be either completely asexual, or a pervert on a level close to Jiraiya?'

Because of the rampant perversion of some of his ninjas, and because he actually wanted work to get done, Orochimaru had forbidden such interactions (or intercourse, as the case may be) between his ninja, because he felt it would lower their productivity. He allowed them to do what they wished by themselves in the privacy of their own homes, of course, but fraternization of the sort that caused repercussions that could cause him to lose valued members of his Kunoichi elite (more of them existed then you'd imagine, surprisingly... Rumors that there would be no sexual harassment in Otogakure brought women in droves) was unacceptable.

'Maybe I should amend that ruling, so that situations like this don't happen again?'

Ironically, that thought was immediately followed by one of how, after executing his attack on Konoha, and leaving it in ruins, he planned to dress Sasuke when he finally joined up with Sound.

Perverts, indeed.

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It seemed that the young Ms. Tsuchi had come to this fight prepared… Or, for most people in this situation, as unprepared as possible. Not really in the mood to be kind or pleasant about this, Naruto had swiftly yanked up her shirt, and then pulled down her pants, revealing a completely bare bottom.

Of course, due to how she was placed on her lap, he noticed something else many in the audience missed.

'Why is my leg wet...? Hey! That's the same smelling stuff that I noticed coming from that Temari girl... Wait... I remember learning something about this from those sex-ed classes they made us take last year in the academy. She's... getting ready for sex? My god, she's a pervert!'

It all fell into place in Naruto's mind. Pushing aside the odd thought in his mind of why Temari had been wet, too (because, really, that wasn't something he felt he could deal with at the moment), his smirk grew.

'I am the man! But wait, what about Sakura-chan? I like her! But... It was her idea for me to do this kind of thing in the first place. Maybe she wants me to do this to her?'

Kin began to feel frustrated at the lack of spankage she was getting, and began to squirm about in Naruto's lap. This quickly brought his thoughts away from the path they had been traveling, something Naruto was rather upset about.

Firmly placing his right hand on her lower back, Naruto brought his left down in a stinging swat, eliciting something between a moan and a yelp from the girl.

"Stop moving about... Or do you not want me to do this?"

That brought Kin's movement to a halt for a few seconds, in which Naruto decided that he'd just have to ask someone else what the heck was going on with all the girls he had met/knew, because none of this was making sense to him.

But hey, he was going to roll with the moment.

It didn't hurt that people (even if they were all just the perverted guys he knew/were about his age/were not sitting with their wives/girlfriends) were cheering him on.

As Kin started to squirm again, Naruto brought his hand down again.

"Well... Don't you seem to like this:SLAP: I'm surprised... Most girls :SLAP: wouldn't react so excitedly over :SLAP: something like :SLAP: this ."

Kin began to pant, as Naruto got more and more into it, making snide comments at her even as he brought his hand down to varying areas of her ass.

Naruto stopped for a moment, slowly massaging her behind, before posing a question.

"Now... What is it that you want to tell me?"

In between deep breaths, Kin managed to cough a reply out.

"You'll have to do a lot more before you get that out of me-eeeEEEEE!"

Halfway through her reply, Naruto had realized that his left leg, the one closer to Kin's lower body, was starting to go numb.

So, as she replied, he moved it a bit, even as he brought his hand down in another slap.

However, what he hadn't realized was now his knee was directly rubbing against Kin's... lower parts. And it was made more noticeable when he practically forced the two together when he spanked her.

'Man... I'm totally gonna have to change out of these pants before my next match.'

Seeing that this might be an effective technique, Naruto continue to move his knee around slightly in that same area, even as he continued to spank her, bringing even better results then before.

"So :SLAP: are you :SLAP: going to :SLAP: tell me :SLAP: what I :SLAP: want to know :SLAP:? Or am I going to have to stop?"

At that, Naruto lowered her hand to her butt, and continued massaging it as he had last time he posed a question. However, this time he did so deliberately lower then he would have dared before, closer to a spot that he figured would have gotten him castrated if this fight hadn't been as bizarre as it was.

'Man... Thank God for Iruka amending the sex-ed courses to include defenses against courtesan-type Kunoichi tactics... Even if he didn't mean to, the counter-tactics are so worth it!'

Naruto had never imagined that they were actually true, or that he'd ever get the chance to test them... But it would have been very silly for a ninja school to completely ignore a common ninja tactic.

Kin, unknown to him, had already orgasmed twice- It was the reason why his knee had gotten so damn wet. A small one from his early spanks, and a much larger one when he began actively working with his knee.

Kin, like many Sound ninja, was something of a deviant. Many who first came to Otogakure were in fact completely normal… But after living a stressful life in a place where it's hard to gain release… Well, your tastes start to get more and more outlandish. Anything that could get you off became good.

For Kin… Well, she liked the idea of being dominated. Never quite a submissive herself, of course (because that sort of thing quickly led to Very Bad Things in Otogakure), but she definitely liked the idea of a man who would take her by the reins and do with her what he will.

And after seeing Naruto's first match against Ino… She fixated on the idea of spanking.

For her, this was amazing.

And now... Now she was ready to talk.

"Orochimaru... Orochimaru is planning to invade... sometime during the tournament... He's replaced the Kazekage..."

Though she had finally said it, from the position of her head at the time (facing downwards), and the volume she had spoken it at (intermixed with panting, and rather quiet), no one else had heard but Naruto.

Naruto's hand snapped to a halt. In fact, it snapped forward.

Unfortunately (or rather, very fortunately), his hand had slipped a lot lower then he had expected.

Kin let out a loud, squealing moan, before slumping down, completely exhausted.

Naruto was frozen, knowing abstractly where his hand was now located, and wondering when he was going to be killed for it being there. He also noted that it was a lot warmer then he had expected, but was pretty much as wet as he had imagined.

Silence filled the arena. Many male civilians were wondering why the fuck they hadn't attended the ninja academy themselves, if this was how shinobi got to fight, and many male ninja were wishing that they got into sex-fights as often as this kid seemed to. The women, on the other hand, seemed mixed between 'Kill the bastard now!', 'This is what ninja do??', and 'Why the heck do the enemy ninja I fight not get me off sometime in the middle of it?'.

And then, it began.

Naruto looked up, to see Kiba stand up, and began clapping slowly.

Next to him, Chouji stood up too, and joined in on the clapping.

A few ninjas seated around them also stood up, and in several places in the audience, more men stood up and began applauding.

More and more men (and a very few women) rose, and the applause grew to be tumultuous.

It was the first slow clap ever recorded in Chuunin exam history.

The sound of the exam proctor declaring Naruto the winner rang out over the applause, even as Naruto stood up, still holding Kin, to bring her back to the contestants booth, and to quietly sneak off to inform someone about what he had just learned.

Oh, and to find a clean pair of pants, too. His smelled kinda fishy now.

Author's Notes: Yeah, I hadn't thought this would be the fic I picked back up first, after my time of not writing. Life has been going pretty shitty so far, and I've been having to deal with some irritatingly stressful stuff as of late. It's killed a lot of motivation for writing, for sure.

But, someone managed to prod me into writing this next snippet, which did turn out longer then I expected. Then again, some semblance of plot aspects (like the little scene where I mentioned what happened in the other fights, and who beat who in the prelims) were added. Not sure why I left them in for the final draft, as this almost certainly is crack without plot, but whatever.


	10. Continued Oneshot: More Spankings!

Due to a variety of circumstances that I'm not going to go further into, someone managed to get me to write another section for this story.

Hurray for the Spankings!

Naruto- Kunoichi come out of everywhere just for a piece of the action!

After wandering into the building cradling the slightly-out-of-it Kin, Naruto flagged down the first ANBU he could find to pass off both the information he gained and his 'prisoner'.

Out in the arena, the fight between Neji and Shino had just been announced, and Naruto wanted to see it... There was a strong possibility that he'd have to fight the winner, after all.

On his way back to the competitor's box, though, Naruto found an obstacle in his path.

Right at the doorway to the exit out into the arena (from which Naruto had planned to leap up into the competitor's box) stood a person.

One that scared the shit out of him.

"Gaara..."

Naruto attempted to walk around the silent sand ninja, only to be blocked by a wall of sand.

'Oh shit, he's going to attack me for what I did to his sister!'

"Err... Could you let me pass?"

The two stared at each other for a moment, with Naruto growing increasingly nervous over Gaara's continued silence. Finally, though, Gaara spoke.

"In each of your matches, you performed large amounts of violence upon your opponent... Yet each and every one of them seemed to enjoy it. Whenever I fight, and injure or maim my opponents, they do not express any pleasure, much less to the level that your opponents did. Explain to me why that is so."

"... What!"

Finding no reply to his exclamation, Naruto realized that no, Gaara was NOT joking (no matter how out of character it would have been for him to be, Naruto could still hope).

Looking around, Naruto tried to find an avenue of escape... Only to see that both paths through the building were cut off by walls of sand.

"Well, um... Ya know, I'm not exactly sure myself... I mean, I have a guess or two, but I don't know WHY they would be true."

'Goddamn, what the hell is going on? Why on earth would HE be asking ME a question like this? This makes absolute no sense.'

"Explain them anyway."

"Well, first... Why the heck are you asking me this anyway?"

"... Because my sister always objects when I perform acts of unnecessary violence, yet now my sister, among others, seemed to enjoy your acts of unnecessary violence."

'Is he looking for acceptance? Acknowledgement? I... guess I can understand that...'

Naruto was confused as hell as to what was going on, and why Gaara, of all people, was demanding an explanation like this.

But... Naruto supposed he could try to explain what had happened, if it meant that Gaara might have a less... dangerous... method of releasing his frustrations.

Even if it might cause some rather embarrassing situations further down the road for some unlucky ladies.

"Well, umm... We learned back in the academy some counter-kunoichi tactics, especially dealing with missions where the enemy might be disguised as a, err, prostitute. And most of them dealt with how the undercover ninja women weren't ACTUALLY prostitutes, so if you treated them in a certain way, they wouldn't know how to react and handle it the way a real, um, prostitute would. Though I don't know why that's true, or why any of it works..."

Naruto trailed off, hoping this would be the end of it, and Gaara would let him get back to the arena without a fight that would undoubtedly destroy at least this part of the building, and perhaps get them both disqualified.

After a short moment of contemplation, Gaara spoke up.

"Explain to me how you treat them to make them enjoy your violence, and perhaps I'll be able to explain why it works on Kunoichi."

"... What? How would you know that?"

"... I'm a Kunoichi."

Silence.

"No you're not!"

"..."

'What the hell! This makes absolutely no sense!'

Gaara continued to stare at Naruto, causing him to start to nervously stutter.

"Well, um... You DO have a really deep voice."

"A side effect of having sand constantly surrounding your body, including your mouth, is that you breathe in sand a lot, which makes my voice very raspy."

"Well, uhh... You don't look like a girl, either! Ya know..."

Naruto made a few hefting motions around his chest with his hands, before awkwardly petering off as Gaara continued to stare at him.

"I coat my entire body with a layer of sand that compresses against me. It works in a similar manner as bindings."

"You know what? I don't even want to think about this any further, because I'm creeped out enough as is. I'm just going to take your word that you're a girl."

"..."

"Well, Iruka-sensei said it all had to do with confidence..."

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Back in the arena, Neji and Shino continued their battle. It was an epic fight, with bugs and glowy chakra covered palms flying everywhere. Apparently, Shino was a better fighter and tactician then most took him for.

The genin up in the stands were all watching the fierce battle... Well, the guys were. The girls weren't really paying attention (well, Tenten was, but that was it).

No, they had more important things on their mind.

Like Naruto.

Sakura was alone in being irritated at Naruto for how often it seemed that he sexually harassed girls and got away with it. She'd have to make sure he learned he WASN'T supposed to do that in a fight... Like, say, he was training with her.

Especially not in front of Sasuke... That'd be bad.

Ino and Hinata, though, were wondering as to how to approach Naruto without looking like they would just let him do whatever he wanted to them. Which they would, probably... In Ino's case, he's already seen it all, anyway, and Hinata just wanted Naruto in any way she could get him.

Both quickly noticed Naruto's absence, though... And it worried them.

Because they didn't see Gaara, either.

Neither was all that surprised, either, when after they began moving out towards the contestants entrance, Temari joined up with them.

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Sarutobi, up in his Kage box, just received a note with Naruto's discoveries.

With a subtle hand motion, Sarutobi dismissed the ANBU, to let him organize their defenses as best as possibly could be done with such short notice.

The Sandaime turned towards the 'Kazekage', who was intensely watching the fight, noting to himself that perhaps he should pick up that Neji kid, too.

After all, anyone who was that talented as a ninja, yet also was able to keep his hair that perfect... He clearly belonged with Orochimaru in Sound. He and Kimimaro would probably get along perfectly.

'Well, now that I know its Orochimaru... There really isn't much I can do before he makes his move...'

And Sarutobi was most definitely disturbed by the odd grin growing on Orochimaru's face, as he stared at Neji.

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"Ok, I think I'm going to have to draw the line here, Gaara. No... Just no."

"..."

"Goddamnit, I WILL fight you here if you try to make me do this!"

"Then perhaps I will disregard your assurances that this would only be an effective tactic on women, and test it out on YOU?"

Naruto's eyes bugged out, as a giant sand hand appeared in front of him.

What led up to this, you ask?

Well, Naruto began to go over what he remembered of Iruka's lecture on 'counter-Kunoichi' tactics, explaining about how acting confident and in control, while placing the woman in a position where they didn't feel either, worked to act against the undercover ninjas attempt on luring a male ninja in with sex.

Iruka went into a long spiel about various psychological strategies and logic and such, that Naruto eventually boiled down to 'Girls like guys with confidence, and mixing confidence in with the thought of sex turns girls on.'

Especially girls who live the extremely stressful life of a ninja.

Naruto was even more terrified of Gaara then he had been back in the hospital... The way Gaara just stared impassively at him as he struggled to recall everything Iruka said.

It was even weirder the way that Gaara always steered the conversation back towards the act of spanking, and the inherent violence in that act that apparently girls liked (something Naruto kept on stressing... He didn't want Gaara to think she (or at least, so Gaara claimed) should attempt to spank Naruto).

Though, Naruto was a tad surprised that Gaara was seemingly attempting to, out of nowhere, find a way to both inflict violence and have the inflictee be happy at the same time. It seemed rather out of character for the... for Gaara.

Naruto decided to then stop trying to attach gender pronouns to Gaara, because just trying to imagine Gaara being a girl seemed so wrong to him.

Gaara, though... Gaara had her reasons for cornering Naruto and getting him to explain the phenomena that she had witnessed.

The short answer was that, at the tender age of 12, Gaara had hit puberty, and started noticing boys.

The long answer was that Gaara, at the tender age of 12, had hit puberty, and started to notice boys... And attempted to reconcile such thoughts with her penchant for random maimings.

She knew, after all, that most people just weren't into a casual slaughter as much as she was.

So, when she saw a guy who apparently had a method for dealing with the opposite sex that involved violence, Gaara decided to find out more.

Though it frustrated her a tad that apparently the violence was a one-way street, at least then her chosen mate would be less likely to voice displeasure at the idea of her doing violence on someone else.

This brings us to the current situation, where Gaara decided that Naruto should spank her right here, right now.

Naruto stared nervously at the sand-hand, and gulped as he saw it hit the back wall of sand, nearly breaking through it.

He sighed, and stood up.

'Well, if I have to do it... I might as well do it right...'

Squaring his shoulders, Naruto formed the familiar hand-seal, and summoned forth a few Kage bunshin.

Naruto stared Gaara (who he was hoping to hell was a girl like Gaara said) in the eyes, summoning the forth all the confidence he could muster.

'Gaara isn't going to squish me, I just explained in detail why I'm going to do what... Gaara... asked me to... Please, for the love of God, let Gaara be a girl...

'I can do this... I'm going to be the Hokage, right? What's a single ninja to the Hokage? Nothing! I can do this!'

Putting himself into the right mindset, Naruto reached forth, and grasped both of Gaara's wrists in one hand, lifting it above her head.

With a silent command, one of his Kage bunshins formed into a seat, which Naruto sat down on, bringing Gaara down with him.

Naruto was a tad bit surprised, as so far the sand hadn't reacted to him like he had seen to Lee... It seemed as if Gaara was truly serious about this.

Though it was still creepy, that Gaara had yet to do anything but stare impassively through the entire conversation, even now as Naruto pulled her over his knee.

Treating it like jumping into cold water to get it over with fast, Naruto pulled down Gaara's pants in one smooth notion... Thanking the Ramen above that Gaara had girly-bits.

'Well, here goes...'

SLAP!

SLAP!

SLAP!

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It was at this moment, that several things were going on at once.

First off, Neji had finally defeated Shino, finishing off their awesome duel with an overly-dramatic (and seeming random) speech about fate, then an application of some special chakra point that, in combination with many others that had been hit during the fight, finally cut off Shino from communicating with his bugs, and ended the streams of chakra that they could give him to replace the amounts that Neji was blocking off within him.

Secondly, Orochimaru was starting to rethink the idea of taking Neji, as if he bitched THAT much about the caged bird seal, who knows how long it would take him to shut up about the curse seal? No, he might as well just stick with Sasuke.

Thinking that, Orochimaru decided that he might as well start to get ready to set off Gaara... Who he now just noticed was missing.

And finally, the three girls, after getting lost several times in the hallways (and having to prove their credentials numerous times, and that they weren't spies or fakes or anything to the ANBU), finally arrived at Gaara's sand wall.

Which looked to be weakening, for some reason the girls couldn't figure out...

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'Oh holy shit! I think this might be even worse result then if she had decided to kill me! At least then, I'd know what to do...'

It was both creepy and erotic... Near instantaneously, Naruto noticed Gaara... enjoying the spankings.

The way Kin and Temari had.

The 'sticky' way.

Maybe it was because no one ever touched her, in any way that could be considered remotely intimate, but she seemed to be enjoying it even more then that Sound girl had, to go by the moans.

Which consisted of the creepy part. Gaara did have a mannish sort of monotone... Hearing her moan REALLY weirded him out, especially because it was STILL monotone, and STILL sounded very manlike.

Unconsciously working her entire ass over, Naruto looked around, to get a grip on reality again.

And he noticed that the sand walls were definitely not as sturdy-looking as they had before.

Naruto smirked... 'Well, if this is what can earn me my escape, then I might as well make sure to do it right!'

With renewed vigor, Naruto returned to the task at hand... He had, after all, just come up with a way to make it better... at least for him.

He still had that rag he used to gag Temari, after all...

So, taking a pause to kneed her behind softly, Naruto handed the gag off to one of the remaining bunshin, who knelt down and put it into Gaara's mouth.

This muffled her moans, and made the whole situation infinitely more enjoyable for Naruto.

Naruto, figuring he might as well go for broke (since it seemed that Gaara might as well decide to go back to the 'kill everyone' stage of romance if this didn't pan out), Naruto began using his right hand, which had been place on Gaara's lower back to keep her steady, to spank her, as he used his left hand to begin rubbing... lower.

And everyone was surprised at what they saw after the sand walls that had previously been blocking sight exploded outward.

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"For the Semi-final round of the Chuunin exam tournament, it will be Uzumaki Naruto vs. Gaara of the Desert..."

Lots had randomly been selected to see which individual would get the bye into the finals, and Neji had won it.

However, after announcing the match... People noticed that said competitors weren't present.

Just as Genma was going to announce again, that yes, Naruto and Gaara had to come to the arena NOW for their fight, sand exploded out of an entrance that people had forgot was there, since it had been blocked for so long.

Showing everyone that, apparently, Naruto had won the fight before it had even started.

Everyone stared in a mixture of awe and confusion as one of the Naruto bunshins cautiously stuck his head out into the arena, even as the real Naruto continued to gently ministrated to the semi-conscious Gaara.

Realizing that all eyes were now on him, and that he was supposed to be in the arena fighting Gaara, after pulling Gaara's clothes back on, Naruto stood up, once more holding ANOTHER female opponent bridal style.

Walking slowly into the arena, Naruto looked at the proctor.

"Um... I think this counts as a win, right?"

Genma just stood frozen; not even moving after the senbon fell out of his mouth.

Finally, gathering his wits, he asked the first question that came to mind.

"Gaara's a girl!"

Temari, arriving into the arena from the same entrance with Ino and Hinata following, answered his question.

"Well, yeah, couldn't you tell?"

Naruto and Genma just stared at Temari like she was crazy, who only grew more confused.

"... You didn't realize she was a girl? What the hell is wrong with you people!"

Genma just shook his head, and looked back at Naruto.

Not realizing that the three other girls had been separated by another wall of sand, Genma decided that anyone who could apparently be with four girls at once and not be killed deserved to be a Kage, much less a chuunin.

"Winner, Uzumaki Naruto!"

OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE

Naruto stared nervously at the sand-hand, and gulped as he saw it hit the back wall of sand, nearly breaking through it.

He sighed, and stood up.

'Well, if I have to do it... I might as well do it right...'

Just as Naruto began to reach out and get a hold of Gaara, the wall of sand, after being weakened by Gaara's bitch-slap, collapsed.

"Yes! There must be spankings!"

Naruto looked up, confused, to see Ino, Tenten, and Hinata, all half-dressed and looking half crazed, staring at him in a way that made him feel like he was a giant bowl of ramen.

"What?"

"Yes, Naruto, we've all been bad girls; trying to get in the way of you being a chuunin... you must punish us!"

"Yes, a spanking! A spanking!"

"And then... The oral sex!"

Not really knowing what to do, or why these girls were in the process of getting undressed and demanding that he do with their young, nubile flesh as he willed, Naruto decided he didn't care.

Because this was fucking awesome!

"No, Naruto! Don't do it!"

Hobbling into the room, with an icepack clutched to his balls, Sasuke burst onto the scene.

"No! We've been bad girls... We must be spanked!"

"Yes! Spank us!"

"Silence, foul temptress!"

"Why the hell shouldn't I do this, Sasuke?"

"It's too perilous... I've seen what girls do when they try to do THAT with you... They just want to use you, then get themselves pregnant, and force you to marry them! It's much too perilous to leave you alone with them, where they might trap you into a relationship!"

Naruto looked skeptically at Sasuke... This was definitely crazy talk.

"Err, I think I can handle a little peril, Sasuke, thanks for the concern..."

Sasuke, looking even more frantic then before, yanked Naruto up by his shoulder, and began pushing him out of the room.

"No! It's too perilous! I know... Girls have tried to do this to me before... And even though I don't like you that much, Naruto, I refuse to let you fall for their evil tricks! There's too much peril here! We must flee!"

Naruto resisted Sasuke's pushes, trying to get back to the good looking girls who had started stripping.

"Look, Sasuke, it's not THAT perilous... I can handle it... I could handle it single-handedly!"

"Yes, let him handle us."

Everyone paused, looking at Gaara. It seemed that Gaara had been caught up in the moment, too.

Sasuke shook his head. "No! Quick! Quick!"

With that, Sasuke hustled Naruto out, up into the arena competitor box.

"Whew... I was in the nick of time... You were in great peril."

"I don't think I was."

"Yes you were."

"Look, let me go back their and sample the peril... It's my sworn duty as a ninja of Konoha to sample any peril that comes my way!"

"No, you have a Chuunin exam tournament to compete in."

"Oh, come on... Let me have a little peril."

"No, it's unhealthy."

"... I bet you're gay."

"No, I'm not."

Yeah, it's a tad out of character... But I think it came out ok.

And if Gaara was a girl, I could see that thought process of violence-for-pleasure occur (hell, it'd make sense in canon, too).

Lighter on the spankings, heavier on the plot... But it sorta had to be, because it would have sucked completely otherwise...

And note that the invasion hasn't even started yet... there's still more room for this to continue!

And if you don't recognize the Omake, shame on you! Go watch Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail. Like, right now. Go.

Do it.


End file.
